Now that November is well underway and winter’s wrath is just around the corner, we can all get a little Stir crazy cooped up in our homes. This can lead to people believing some pretty crazy bullshit, like that everyone has Ebola or that government-funded health care actually works. That’s right, sheeple: this editorial is about how the liberal media has brainwashed you into living in a communist country without you EVEN KNOWING.
When we were bored and exploring Wikipedia, we came across a list of student newspapers in Canada. Turns out that some universities have two newspapers that occupy different political positions. At Queen’s, neither of the publications have stated political alliances. The closest we come to this is the Journal, whose political mandate appears to be peddling bullshit; and the Gazette, who is basically a propaganda mouthpiece for Queen’s admin.
Therefore, we I believe that it is Golden Words’ duty to take a sworn political position that governs each and every piece of our content. Taking a page from Fox “Fair and Balanced” News, we will go against the grain and take a radically conservative view. This is just to “balance” out the bleeding-heart liberals at the Journal – which they obviously are. I mean c’mon: they have an arts section and encourage youth to vote. Sorry, but I think that democracy should be left up to old, bigoted people out of touch with reality.
The number of liberal media publications that are out there also greatly outnumber the amount of conservative ones. That’s because while conservative media is often loud and proud, most publications are subliminally liberal. Take New York’s Paper magazine – they printed a cover with Kim Kardashian’s ass on it. This was then photoshopped by the internet into a Centaur, which is half-man, half-horse. Horse hormones are often used as performance enhancers by baseball players, such as Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds was born in California, which has voted Democrat in every American federal election since 1992. Therefore, Paper Magazine is a bunchof socialists.
Speaking of Socialism – a term I googled minutes ago – the biggest truth the liberal media conceals from us is that we secretly live in a communist conspiracy disguised as a “democracy”. If it were a real democracy, in the ancient Greek tradition, then it would involve only men, wearing togas, yelling at eachother in an ampitheatre. Not this Stalinist “co-operation” nonsense that has been preventing our economy from reaching its full potential. If true democracy reigned, there would be no free health care (sick people are a great and reliable source of revenue for the economy – especially if you don’t treat them), no welfare handouts (I’m sorry poor people, but if you want to sit around getting money for nothing, get a trust fund like the rest of us), and no more people I don’t like, such as racial minorities, LGBTQ people, liberals, teachers, Subway franchise owners named Salim (I am a sandwich ARTISTE, Salim! And sometimes that means I have to tear the sandwich into a hundred pieces and drizzle it with barbecue sauce like Jackson Pollock), and women. Come to think of it, I’m going to add most racial majorities, straight people, the poor, the middle class, the super rich, film critics, the group of seven and MORE WOMEN – if they’re all liberals or moderate conservatives.
I realize that leaves me with approximately <1% of the world’s population, but so be it! Capitalism favours the strong and weeds out the weak. Speaking of which, fuck weeds – get some flowers or ship the fuck out. You’re a disgrace to botany.
And fuck Hattie. She was born in China, which is communist. It’s actually the worst kind of communist – one that also has factories that makes stuff for capitalism. They’re blackmailing us! We need to get the good, low-paying manufacturing jobs out of China and back to our middle class. They already have two jobs, what harm’s a third gonna do? Sure, you won’t see your kids. But look on the bright side: you won’t have to see your kids. I never liked kids – bunch of liberals. They just take, take, take and never do anything for themselves – and when they do, they fail miserably at it. Sound familiar? *cough cough* Obama!.
Frankly, I can only respect feral children. They are raised by the invisible hand of the free market, by which I mean it is literally invisible and does jack shit. Those kids have to grow up fast. History shows that Reagan himself was never a child.
Therefore, I would like to take this extra editorial section to take some political stances on the Queen’s community. First off: tuition. That shit should be much higher. Did you know that this school lets in the middle class? I thought we got rid of them back in 2008. Even worse, this turd of an institution thinks its a “good idea” to give out scholarships to those who get good marks but can’t afford to got to school. What a disgrace! If their family didn’t work hard enough to earn enough money for further education, they don’t deserve it. That’s the free market, baby!
Also, Queen’s needs to get tough on crime! Have you seen the amount of hooliganism running wild on campus? No?! Well then you’re probably one of them. Since Queen’s in my eyes is basically dystopic Detroit (or rather, just Detroit), its about time we got ourselves some Robocops. They can’t be that hard to make – I recently discovered that you can take a biology option in mechanical engineering, so lets get those 2-3 fuckers to work on it.
Darn it, I swore! Well that was the last time! From now on this paper is preserving the puritanical views of our forefathers and getting rid of any foul language or nudity in this paper.
Come to think of it, the entire purpose of a university seems kind of pointless when you think about it with a radical mind like I did just now. Why bother educating the masses to become professions such as “doctors”, “engineers”, or “historys” if none of those jobs are necessary in a true, conservative democracy? The free market should determine who gets to treat whom, and who builds what. Throw enough cash at it and it will bound to be fixed somehow. If not, dump that stuff on future generations of feral children. They’ll figure it out. Or eat each other, Whatever, we’ll be dead so to heck with them!
As it seems that this nanny-state newspaper has prevented me from taking up any more space, I will have to bring this editorial to a close. You can look forward to some changes coming to Golden Words – starting with that name. Golden? Sounds a bit foreign to me. Try something more Canadian. Like Red & White Words. Stay proud and patriotic, Queen’s! Now lets blast “Takin’ Care of Business”!