Editorial: To the Mysterious Gorgeous Man at Science Formal


Dear Mysterious Gorgeous Man at Science Formal,

You stole my heart last night, along with my drink, my left contact lens, and a selfie we took together.

I first noticed your presence when you were waiting in line to go up the structure. I was in the makeout room in the back, trying to test out the glowing effect of gin and tonic under black lights. It didn’t work – probably because there wasn’t any tonic water at Sci Formal. As I emerged from the cave, half-high from the semi-dried paint, I saw you.

You were wearing a dark formal shirt, a blue and silver tie, the fanciest top hat, and a large yellow jersey with a banana on the back captioned “Great Snacks!”.

I was missing the fruits at the chocolate fountain, so I wanted that banana from your back. I decided to follow you and perhaps be lucky enough to have the pleasure of having a chance to get to know you. I tried to follow you up those stairs to the point closest to the sky, but I was abducted by a bunch of people wearing yellow. Their shirts had a crest with the letters “QSC” on it – I wondered if they meant “Queen’s Seduction Corp”,  because they were definitely trying to tell lure me away from you. They told me that I can’t go up to meet you because they were “at capacity”.

I was sad about not meeting you until I accidentally found a drink ticket in my bra pocket. I vaguely remembered this was the last drink ticket that I could afford for the night, so I went over to the bar to get another drink. I wanted to make it worthwhile, so I ordered a sex on the beach – without peach schnapps, but that’s okay. This was when I saw you again.

You were looking at me through the biggest beautiful eye I’ve ever seen. Okay, maybe you were actually looking at the guy handing out bruschetta behind me. The blink of your eye almost blinded me with a flash of heavenly light. Your eye was dark and mysterious, your iris was about 2 inches wide, and your eyeshadow stylishly spelled out “Canon”.

I must have been blatantly staring at you out of subtle obsession because you smiled and approached me. To my surprise, you stood right beside me and took your phone out to take a selfie with me. I was so thrilled!

“Hey”, you said to me in your deep, mysterious voice, “What’s that drink?”

“Um…oh yeah, it’s a sex on the beach. There’s no peach schnapps though. Here, try it!” I said, with the hopeful intention of exchanging DNA with you through the overlapping of our lip marks.

“Uh, thanks.” you said, sounding almost confused as you took over my drink. Suddenly, someone grabbed me and spun me in a whirl. I think they were trying to dance with me, but I was pretty bad at dancing, so I tripped over my own dress. When I came to – I mean I didn’t really pass out or anything, but everything was such a blur! – I could not find you anymore.

When I finally retired from the night, I noticed that my left eye was seeing everything in a blur, and I don’t know how long that has been. That’s when I checked my phone and realized that Joe Craib has texted me an hour ago: “Hey Hattie, I left Grant and I gave your drink to your housemates. Got a bunch of pics for this week’s colour content!”

I don’t remember seeing Joe, so I had no idea what he meant by that. I miss you though, my Mysterious Gorgeous Man.