Editorial: What is Wrong With Morning People


I am not a morning person. Case and point, today I had to be at the Golden Words office for noon, which means leaving my house at 11:45 at the latest, so naturally I woke up dangerously close to 11:30.

           The thing with I’m-Not-A-Morning-Person people is that no matter how long we sleep, where we sleep, or even who we sleep with, we will wake up miserable and hating the people who invented alarm clocks. I’m pretty sure everyone who hates mornings can identify with waking up bleary eyed and sitting on the edge of the bed wondering if sleeping is even worth the hell of waking up. The answer is undoubtedly yes, but even still the opposite to the glory of sleep is only the agony of waking up. It is universal that 8:30 am classes are the bane of our existence, especially because not being a morning person usually means being a night person, which means even though you have to be up by 8am at the latest you still stay up till 4am meaning only 4 hours of glorious sleep.

           Aside from being forcibly pulled from a hella good dream, there is one main thing that Not-A Morning-Person people loath entirely, especially in the wee hours of the morning, and that is the Morning People. The people that gleefully greet you in the morning and don’t understand why you only reply with a grunt and an eyeroll at their cheerful, “Good Morning, isn’t is a beautiful day!” They like jump out of bed at some ungodly hour like 5am or some shit like that. And they don’t even press snooze once, the monsters.

           This is how I imagine Morning People think:

           Oh gosh golly isn’t the morning fantastic? Just listen to the birds singing gleefully as they shit on everyone’s cars. I hope they have a sunshiny day shitting on things and incessantly singing nondescript tunes hopefully waking up the heathens who sleep in until 8.

           It’s only 6am but I’ve already gone for a jog, fed the cat, fed the neighbours cat, written a game plan to solve world hunger, showered, made a four course vegan gluten-free breakfast, gotten dressed, and planned out the next ten years of my life to the minute.

           Now all that is left is to tell everyone how much better I am because I woke up and did shit in the morning that you totally couldn’t do at night because obviously you can only be productive in the morning. Aren’t I a good person, I should get an award for waking up before you.