Editorial: Why Can’t We Just Be Animals?

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I mean, obviously we’re not like plants or something. I was just thinking, we are soft and warm and fleshy and breathe and move around, just like any other animal – except animals with a hard shell on their outside, animals that are cold blooded, animals that are starved to their skin and bones just like starving children in Africa, fish, and animals that are dead – so why don’t we have the countless privileges that animals have?
First and most important of all, animals can run around naked. I’d also like to run around naked, but it’s not warm enough nor legal enough. According to the law, I have to have my genitals covered. I guess animals also have their genitals covered, mostly by fur. I’m not sure if being covered by fur/hair is enough because it seems like most of the humans shave their pubes nowadays. Anyway, people can’t run around naked, and that’s a sad fact. It’s not only sad, it’s also quite cold. Canada is a country suitable for living for things like polar bears or squirrels, not humans, because humans don’t have enough fur!
How many times have you walked through the neighbourhood in the autumn and felt jealous of all the “real people” living in “real houses”, because they had pretty flowers and delicious looking fruits in their gardens? We aren’t allowed to just grab neighbours’ apples from their trees, even when that family of four can’t possibly eat all that many apples by themselves. So they have squirrels to help them eat their apples. I’m jealous of the squirrels. That’s why I laugh every time I see a dead squirrel on the sidewalk of Union St.
Autumn isn’t even the best time for animal privilege – wait till winter! When we have to go to class at 8:30 in the morning, either walking through 2 feet of snow on the Kingston sidewalks, or waiting for the bus at 7:50am because, starting from 8am, the bus is going to be full with frosh living in St. Lawrence College residences as soon as the bus leaves St. Lawrence College. That’s right, Westie frosh, you’re still the most screwed. Then you are trapped on campus for the day where each classroom you enter will have a different temperature than the last one, so you can never feel comfortable in your clothes. Then when you finally emerge from you 5:30pm lab, it will be pitch black outside. You will then have to walk all the way to BioSci for any hopes of catching a bus because all buses will be filled as soon as it hits KGH, nevertheless Grant Hall or Douglas Library; and if you’re one of those mobs who wait for the bus in front of Goodes Hall at 5:30, you’re just fucking stupid.
In the meantime, if you’re a squirrel, you sleep through the winter. A squirrel’s tree hole is still probably warmer than your rusty old student ghetto house. At least it doesn’t cost $500 a month to heat up that tree hole!
Basically I just really want to be an animal, the kind that can just eat and sleep all day everyday. Like a panda, except I still want to have sex.

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