So the universal excuse: “I can’t go, Mom. I have to study.” didn’t work and you find yourself at a family reunion. You have an exam in less than forty-eight hours and you’re stuck here listening to boring stories and praying no one brings up Donald Trump. What you don’t know is that you could be using this valuable time to your advantage. The family reunion is a veritable smorgasbord of resources that no keen student should let pass them by. Adhere to the following Family Reunion Study Tips and you’ll find yourself well-prepared for any and all exams. And the best part is, you spent time with your family, and isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
Grill Your Relatives — You have a big family, someone at this reunion must know something of value. Studying engineering? Great Uncle Steve used to be an engineer! Music? Your little cousin Matthew plays trombone in his middle school band! Politics? Your Dad’s cousin Buck sure isn’t quiet about his political beliefs! History? Great-grandpa remembers most of it! Gender studies? Talk to your cousin Karen, she’s a girl. Science? Your cousin Susan’s boyfriend Mark is a doctor, wait…she dumped Mark for a casino bouncer? Such a shame, Mark was such a sweet young man, AND he was a doctor. I’m just saying, Susan, everyone liked Mark.
Get Memory Tips From Your Aunt Who’s Obsessed With the Kennedys — She may seem a little kooky, but consider this: This woman knows every member of the Kennedy family going back at least four generations. That’d be a lot for any family but this is the Kennedys we’re talking about. RFK alone had eleven kids! And she knows every one. Test her. Find the most obscure Kennedy you can google and she’ll have him linked back to JFK before you can blink. This is a valuable asset! This woman clearly has the ability to retain vast quantities of information. Get her to teach you her ways! She spent hours pouring over the family tree? Draw out everything you need to know in the form of an elaborate Catholic family tree! She learned it all from Life magazine? There’s definitely a magazine somewhere about what you’re studying. She tries to convince you that everyone knows all about the Kennedys? You convince yourself that everyone, including you, knows all about what you’re studying. Beware: Consulting this aunt may result in being shown a collection of Kennedy memorabilia, potentially including decorative teacups, coffee table books and old stamps.
Talk to Your Loser Uncle to Boost Your Motivation — He’s a two-hundred pound fifty-eight-year-old man in a beer-stained undershirt whose only interests seem to be football and poker. He dropped out of school in grade ten and now he’s a part-time Zamboni driver. You don’t want to turn out like him. Remind yourself that passing these exams takes you one step closer to a beach house in Miami and one step further away from smoothing small town ice rinks at four in the morning.
Try to Convince Uncle Salvatore to Break Your Prof’s Legs So He’ll Give You the Exam Answers — It’s worth a shot.