In bed on monday night I was watching a particular show on netflix. I forget what show I was actually watching, but looking back now it doesn’t really matter because the events that unfolded far outweigh my insignificant netflix experience. I heard a knock on my bedroom door. That’s right. Not my front door, but my bedroom door. I was the only one home so I was a quite confused and asked who was at the door. To my surprise the door flung open and it was the two potted plants that had sat in the living room of my house. Next thing I knew they had somehow used their roots to walk over to me and punch me in the face. I woke up in a forest somewhere and all around me were trees, plants, and flowers. The entire spectrum of any plant life you can think of was around me in this canadian forest. They spoke to each other, but too many to make out what they were actually saying. I stood up in my confused state and after a hush one of them spoke.
Maple: Well, well, well. You’re finally awake. You’re probably wondering why you’re here.
Treedman: Yea, you could say that. I’m not surprised that you can talk, although very surprised you’re life learned to actually use roots to walk.
Pine: Sassy one you are, ain’t ya puman. (I almost forgot they insisted on calling me puman)
Treedman: Well, to be perfectly honest I’m a little annoyed at the fact you knocked me out and brought me here. Why?
Maple: We brought you here for multiple reasons. The first is is that you wrote about us and now the world knows that we can talk and have feelings. This has gotten us noticed in more ways than one. The second reason bleeds into the first.
Treedman: Which is…
Pine: Tell him about the rocks Maple. Tell him about the rocks!
Maple: Be quiet Pine, we don’t know if he’s ready yet.
Treedman: wait, Maple? Pine? I think I know your family members.
Maple: That is correct. You have met our cousins.
Treedman: Wait, ready for what?
Maple: To lead us. You have been the most empathetic puman of them all. You found out our secret first and spread word around the globe of our…ability to speak, but also our emotional ways.
Treedman: Lead you? Lead you for what? An attack on the pu…I mean humans?
(the entire forest laughed at me and what I had just said)
Maple: Hahaha. No. You pumans we can handle. We have a far more.. Violent enemy. Rocks. The bastards think they can come to our forests, take our women, steal our homes, roll all over us. They are violent, their beliefs are violent, and above all our own life has sympathy for them. Saying we are too judgemental of the rocks, other trees will call us Rockist and anti-rockites. Not only that, the rocks live in sand which is death for us. None of us forest life can grow in sand. Their entire communities are based around killing our life. We need you to lead us.
Treedman: What the hell am I supposed to do?
Maple: Convert the majority of our forest so we can ban them from entering our forests. At the very least we need extreme vetting of the rocks before they enter our forests. We would be very grateful if you could this. We know you.. Pumans have a way with words. Just do a few speeches around the forests so you can convert plant life to our ideology.
Treedman: Well, ok. I guess I could do that.
Maple: Thankyou. You will now be forever known as “Trunk” because you are the trunk of our existence for our new future.
So now known as “Trunk” I had to live out a life of making speeches to other trees and trying to convert them because of the threat they all had endured at the hand of the rocks. I was an outsider, yes, but something seemed right about me to these plant based lives. They somehow trusted me. It could’ve been my speeches, it could’ve been the fact I was an outsider, or maybe the way I just connected to them with my way of talking to them all as if they were friends of mine. I dunno, but it worked. After days of speeches, I had won them all over. I was their new leader. Running against some insider plant based red flower who was sympathetic towards the rocks. She would call me a Rockist, anti-rockite, and a Rockaphobe, but it did not matter. It was an easy win for me to my surprise. The pro-flowers made up a majority of the forests, but due to the way the election system was set up I had managed to win by region because the trees were just spread out far enough in the forests. My victory speech had put the cap on the lid for them:
(In a major forest as I stood on a stage the plants chanted their unions name known as the “United Federation of Plants”)
“U-F-P. U-F-P. U-F-P.”
Treedman aka “Trunk”: Thank-you very much everyone. Thank-you very much. I’ve just received a call from secretary rose. She congratulated us. It’s about us. On our victory. And I congratulated her on her hard working campaign. She fought hard and she did a tremendous job. Now it’s time for us to heal the wounds of our division. It is now time for us as trees, plants, and flowers. To come together as one United Federation.
(Cheers enveloped the forest)
Treedman aka “Trunk”: Our campaign was not simply a campaign, but a movement. I’ve gotten to know these forests so well. All of the forgotten plants. The forgotten plants will be forgotten no longer.
Treedman aka “Trunk”: We will double our growth in economics and literally. We must reclaim our destiny and finally put the federation’s interests first, but also seek common ground with other biomes. I will promise you I will not let you down. I look very much forward to being your leader and I look forward to finally make this Federation Great Again!
Treedman aka “Trunk”: We will beat these rocks! We will win like never before. We will win so much you all will get tired of winning. You will get so tired you’ll be saying “please Mr.Trunk we can’t take all this winning anymore” and I will say “I don’t give a beaver dam! We will keep winning! You will all be so proud of your leader, you will be so proud. I love this federation! I love you all! Thank you.
After my speech the forest was wild. Trees cheering, plants hugging flowers, flowers hugging plants. Everybody in the United Federation of Plants were so proud of themselves. I was their new leader.. A friggin outsider.. a Puman.