Equal Opportunities Obscenities


These days, it’s hard to call someone a pussy without the realization that it implies that women are weak, and then you have to wonder what to call your weak friend without also insulting half of all humans. Calling someone weak is simply uncreative and mean, and implies that they have no choice in the matter. For this reason, obscenities must be created to fill the gap where previously sexist, racist, ableist, obscenities used to exist. 

So, if you’ve ever found yourself with the need to demean someone as a human being but wanted to be politically correct about it, here is a helpful list of insults that are at least more politically correct than calling people pussies or dicks (which we all know is ableist). So I apologize if any of these are not politically correct or offensive, just know that I could have done worse. 

You belong in Saskatchewan. 
Sewage treatment is a rough job, but not as bad as dealing with you. 
The combination of your voice and your words is your greatest handicap. 
I think if you were more privileged, you’d somehow find a way to suck even more. 
You’re easily offended because you’re easy to pick on. 
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you break my faith in humanity.
Of the 7 Billion people on this planet, I think you might be the shittiest one. 
I don’t know your personal history and that pleasure is all mine. 
In the grand scheme of things, everything is meaningless but you are especially so. 
If we were playing mental dodgeball, I’d pick you last.
You’re a waste of feverish meat. 
Some people are oppressed and don’t deserve it, neither of those things apply to you.
Your slang is obsolete and so is your hair.
Why do you even bother to socially participate?
Your partner prefers your body heat to your personality. 
Your cognitive operations missed a spot. 
You have every reason to be successful, and yet look at you now. 
Your mustache makes you look like a pedophile.
Fuck you.

Because it’s 2015 – Justin Trudeau