Even Niners Are Better Than Frosh


Remember being in grade 9 and wondering why everyone hated you? Then being in grade 10 one year later and instantly realizing the answer? Same thing goes for first years, aka “frosh”. You probably spent all of high school unconditionally hating every niner that crossed your path, but as you progress through university, you’re probably realizing they weren’t the absolute worst people. Really, the people that truly deserve our focused hatred are the unfortunate souls I have previously mentioned, the only people that are worse than niners are frosh. Here’s why:

First of all, frosh have a week named after them. What did they ever do to deserve that? Martin Luther King Jr., Columbus, mothers, and fathers all have a mere day named after them, yet frosh think they’re important enough to have AN ENTIRE WEEK. At least niners are modest and/or terrified enough to know they don’t deserve any form of recognition from anyone.

Let’s continue. As a student – in high school or in university – you sometimes get angry. Sometimes you need to take out your anger and boost your self esteem by picking on someone less tough than yourself. In high school, you can easily get away with bullying a niner; wedgies are commonplace and wet willies are to be expected. Yet hazing a frosh is unfortunately unacceptable in this day and age. Frosh have some kind of undeserved immunity, like an invisible shield, and us upper years have nowhere to release our anger. This is why alcoholism exists.

This next one is pretty self-explanatory: niners don’t blow goats. Alright, let’s move on.

Another prevalent annoyance: Frosh travel in packs. Huge packs. Have you ever been confronted with and/or trampled by a herd of first year engineers leaving Stirling Hall? “Herd” is barely a powerful enough word. It’s more along the lines of “swarm”, “mob” or “conglomerate”. Fortunately, niners in packs are small enough to brush off to the side of the hall like feathers, but it’s hard to do that to people wearing leather GPAs.

Because of these arguments, niners will always be considered the second worst creatures in existence, just one step above frosh. If you’re currently in first year, hang in there and you’ll soon understand (trust me, I was a frosh once too). But for now, enjoy your time blowing goats while you still can.