Exam Season Explained by Someone Who’s Never Done It

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Holy shitballs, are you in for a treat! You’ve been studying your booty off for quizzes, bellringers and midterms, filling your silly little head with useless facts about geopolitics, Starcraft cheat codes and past exams, but this is different. Tie yourself to the nearest sturdy structure cause you’re about to get your shit kicked in harder than the time your Grade 5 bully discovered the wonder of swirlies. Pop a few adderall and crack open a lime Four Loko cause this is a survival guide for the worst weeks of your life. It’s exam season!

First, forget everything you’ve learnt in every single one of your courses. Try hitting your head until you get amnesia and burning all your textbooks – this helps you get rid of all your misconceptions about the material. If you didn’t understand something properly, now you’re all good! You have the fresh start you need to study effectively. That’s what those student resources keep pushing on us, right? Effective studying? It’s like anxiety or sustainability. It doesn’t really mean anything, but it’s fun to say and makes you feel good.

Now that you’re back to square one, make a study schedule! Be sure to mark off a solid week for drinking til you hate yourself and praying to every possible deity you can think of (so Jehovah, God, Vishnu and Buddha… Wait, is Buddha a god thing or was he a prophet? Hey, at this point if he helps you understand calculus, you’ll call him whatever he wants). When you decide what to study and when, write in breaks during the study sessions so you don’t overwork yourself – four hour sessions to watch every Adam Sandler Film in which he plays more than one character should help you relax. Also give yourself some time to create this schedule – two months should be just right!

Now that you’ve planned out the next few weeks, you need a clean, quiet and comfortable space to read “12 Things You Didn’t Know About Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” while making miniature houses with your notebooks. Put all possessions that have sentimental value in a burlap sack which will be tied to the top of Grant Hall, guarded by a small troll with one of the seven blades of Grynar. If you ever try to get them back, the troll with cut the sack open, letting all of your possessions break, teaching you the value of self control. This is a pretty popular trend, you can usually see about 150 bags tied to Grant Hall. I’ve heard they have fucking lit troll parties up there. Another quick tip: amass a large amount of granola bar wrappers, PBR cans and dirty socks so you can build yourself an exam nest for comfort. Exam nests range from 4-12 feet in diameter- I once saw a quad with a 20 foot nest. The smell… oh god that fucking smell….

Step 4: Start drinking

Step 5: Keeping drinking until you look at yourself in the mirror and all you can see are your failures, then keep drinking until you forget that you broke into Ellis, vomited inside one of the concrete canoes, sat inside the vomit filled canoe and bailed out your own vomit because you thought the canoe is leaking.

Step 6: Consider not drinking.

Now that that’s over, let’s get back on track! You’ve got one day until your first exam, what do you do? Step number one: cram until you feel like a Minnesotan Thanksgiving turkey. Chain your leg to your desk so you aren’t distracted by little things like urination or food. By the time you’re ready, your eyes will be dryer than a nun’s vagina!

Exam: tea minus 1 hour. Cocaine, meth, benadryl. It’s never too late to try drugs to help you focus. My personal cocktail consists of cough syrup, Jack Daniel’s Honey whiskey and the rock salt from 151. That shit’ll clear you sinuses faster than you can say “I never signed the academic integrity form!” Speaking of, going over past exams won’t help you for yours. Professors change up the questions every year so it’s pointless to look over previous material. Instead, break into your professor’s office and study this year’s exam. The questions you find there will be identical to the ones on your exam!

You’re in the middle of writing your exam and it’s go time. Take quick, shallow breaths and answer every question before you read the instructions- confidence is key. When in doubt, fill in “K” on your scantron sheet using your standard HB 8 pencil. With any luck, you’ll be done in 20 minutes, giving you more than enough time to reconsider university.

If I can take a moment to get a little deep before exam season rolls around, I’d like to say something: exams don’t define you. The cumulative mark from all your courses defines you, and exams have big impact on that. So if you don’t do well, you should feel pretty bad or something.

We’re less than a week away from exams. Your world is about to be rocked more violently than the moment you first played “Through the Fire and the Flames” on Guitar Hero III. Study up buckaroo, or else you’ll be shit out of luck and jolly well fucked!

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