We’ve all been there. You’re having a good, wholesome, Leave-It-To-Beaver time with your friends, it’s all jovial stories and good-natured taunts until some jerk-off just has to bring up his sex life. Now you’re stuck. They’re gonna notice you aren’t contributing to the conversation, leading them to inevitably infer your most closely-guarded secret. In desperation you try to casually change the subject, but it comes off ham-fisted, shit shit shit, you’re done. There’s no saving it, they’re not stupid. They spend a couple, painful seconds exchanging knowing glances before the inevitable, taunting question: “Are you a virgin?” You protest that that’s the farthest thing from the truth, that you’re a regular Casanova, you have sex all the time. They, of course, demand that you name one girl you’ve had sex with. You search your inexperienced, virginal mind for a plausible answer. You blurt out that you have a girlfriend in Canada. Rookie mistake. They know you’re lying and you’re left there looking about as cool as a seventh-grader who calls his braces “grillz”. So next time you’re in this situation (and believe me, there will be a next time. If you haven’t used that three-year-old probably expired condom in your sock drawer by now, you probably won’t any time soon) you should consider using one of the following alternatives instead:
A Ghost — This sexual partner of debatable existence was first popularized by Ray Stanz in the 1984 classic Ghostbusters. Remember that scene you didn’t get as a little kid where that ghost gave the fabulously virginal Ray head? No one can say that didn’t happen to you. This spectral sweetheart saw a resurgence in recent years when pop star Ke$ha claimed she’d had sex with a ghost, and if there’s one person to trust with regards to sexual exploits, it’s definitely Ke$ha.
An Incubus/Succubus — Similar to a ghost, but more notoriously horny. For those not in the know, incubi and succubi are demons that come into unsuspecting sinners’ rooms at night and “tempt” them in their sleep. Like the ghost, no one can prove you didn’t have sex with an incubus/succubus. Although, you should keep in mind that sex with an incubus/succubus isn’t really getting laid, it’s more like a hell-on-earth punishment for giving in to temptations of the flesh. Your friends may, instead of thinking you’re cool, make you go to therapy to deal with the trauma you are doubtlessly suffering having been diddled by a demon.
A Notorious Horndog — Like a hooker, or a rockstar, or a boy scout leader. Someone like that, who, if questioned about it, probably won’t even remember if they had sex with you or not. It’s fail-safe.
Just some fling, I don’t even remember her name — Now you’re a suave player with the world at his feet. You’ve had more girls than Magic Johnson and Hugh Hefner put together.
Maggie. You don’t know her. She’s a dog. — If you use this fake partner, your friends will go from seeing you as a virginal loser to seeing you as a kinky freak. Or as some sick fuck who has sex with dogs. Either way you’re not a virgin, plus dogs can’t testify in court so what have you got to lose?
Your Mom. Come on, raise your hand if you haven’t fucked this guy’s mom. — Now this’ll piss your friend off, but if you deliver it right, you might be able to put the idea in his head enough for him to wonder. Every time he sees his mom, or walks past her room, or the shower, or the top of the washing machine, he’ll wonder if you really did have sex with her. He’ll chide himself and say of course you didn’t…but maybe…no, no way, definitely not…but maybe…?
Sorry, I’m under a non-disclosure agreement. Let’s just say his name rhymes with Twain “The Stock” Ronson. — It’s all in the delivery, pull this off and you just went from zero to hero, my friend. You don’t want your friends thinking you’re into guys? Fair enough, you can sub in any celebrity you like.
Come on guys, she was sweet. No, she was nice, I don’t want to tell shit about her. No really, she’s a really nice girl. — Look at you, Mr. Gentleman. Now not only are you not a virgin, but you’re also a super nice guy and, by extension, better than all your friends. Is it lonely at the top?
A hobo — It’s a good way to ensure your friends won’t ask for details.
The hot single mom of some kids you used to babysit — There is a very fine line between porn and reality.
YOU! — For best results, deliver this loudly, deliberately and sincerely. This will confuse them, they’ll likely laugh. But if you want this to work, you CAN NOT JOIN IN THEIR LAUGHTER! Be very serious about it. Hopefully, after a long pause, one of them will eventually say: “You don’t seriously think you fucked me, do you?” That’s when you know you’ve got ‘em.