If you’re anything like me right now is about the time of year that life comes crumbling down around you. You have 10 due dates in the next week and a half, your relationships are under strain, you spent too much time getting drunk, and you haven’t opened a book since December. Now this is a situation rife with opportunity. Your life hasn’t actually fallen apart yet. It still exists as a coherent whole, albeit a whole that is being quickly torn apart at the seams and will soon lay on the ground in tatters leaving you with no other option than to concede defeat and shamefully reassemble some semblance of an existence from the scattered pieces. With this gift of foresight, you could take deliberate action to sort out your life and avoid this calamitous downfall, but then again if you were the type of person who was capable of taking action your life wouldn’t be falling apart in the first place. No, people like us are not action takers. We are the users of temporary stop gap measures designed only to temporarily address problems and not their root cause. That is why I have assembled this guide on how to make it look like your life isn’t falling apart even though it really is. In this guide you will learn all the strategies that exist for convincing you and those around you that you have your shit together for as long as you can physically and mentally maintain the charade.
Technique Number One: Make Lots of Snapchat Stories About Being at the Library
This one’s really easy. You don’t actually have to study, just never shut up about studying. It only takes five minutes to go to Stauff, sit down, take out a book, make a snap story, and leave. By doing this you are convincing everyone that you have on snapchat that you are very studious, which is something that people who have their lives together are, even though you haven’t read in so long that you may actually have become illiterate again.
Technique Number Two: Go to a Different Bar/Club Every Night That You Go Out
Bet you never thought about this one eh? You’re still allowed to go out and get drunk every day of the week. You just have to make sure that you don’t go out to the same bar or club more than once a week. If you go to the same bar every night, people will start to recognise you and realize that since you’re getting drunk every night there’s no way that you have your life together. If you go to a different bar every night, the staff will figure that that’s the only night that you’ve gone out this week and you have your drinking under control like a normal functioning human being
Technique Number Three: Don’t Go To Sleep After 3 AM
Ok so it’s 3 AM, you’ve just gotten home or you’ve been watching Netflix for 7 hours straight and you’ve completely lost track of time. If you go to bed now you know that you’re looking at about an 11 AM wake up. If you get up that late people are going to be able to tell that your life is falling apart. What you need to do instead is keep watching Netflix and then at around 7 AM start drinking lots of coffee. When your housemates wake up and see you drinking coffee they’ll figure that rather than pulling an all nighter, you actually got your shit together and woke up early. Sure, now you need to tackle a whole day on no sleep and your life is still spiralling, but they don’t know that.
Technique Number Four: Start Wearing Collared Shirts
Very easy technique this one. Collared shirts make you look way more put together than that one CEO sweater that you’ve been wearing every day for 2 weeks. Collared shirts don’t even need to be ironed or anything. Just throw one on. No need to even button up the front (as long as you have a t-shirt underneath). By virtue of the collared shirt alone you will look like you have your shit together. Bonus points if you wear glasses as well. At that point you’ll go from just looking like you have your shit together to actively looking like a good student/person.
Technique Number Five: Buy a House Plant
Final technique here. Buy a plant to put in your house. Make sure it’s pretty hardy because you know that you can barely keep yourself alive so keeping a plant alive will be difficult. Now put the plant on prominent display and do the bare minimum amount of work necessary to prevent it from dying. Now when people walk into your house they’ll see that plant and think “Oh shit this guy has a plant that hasn’t died from neglect. He must also be able to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and stay on top of his schoolwork as well”. What that person thinks may not be at all true, but as we all know by now truth really doesn’t mean shit anymore. It’s not about whether or not your life is falling apart, it’s about whether or not it looks like your life is falling apart.
So there you have it. Just some helpful tips that you can introduce into your daily routine to convince those around you that you are firmly holding onto the steering wheel of the car that is your life. Just remember that soon enough April will roll around and you will be free to begin to create a life again only for it to be ripped apart again this time next year. That’s just how it works. But with proper use of these techniques you will have the appearance of looking cool, calm, and collected all the way through. If faking it ‘till you make it is a science call me Albert Einstein, and now feel free to call yourselves educated.