Fall Review


Rating: 3 maple leaves
Squirrel Rating: 2 acorns
Duration: 1-16 weeks
Fall is the season when leaves begin to fall off trees and onto the ground, and when people’s hearts fall into despair as they realize that winter is coming, and soon they will no longer be able to will themselves to go outside for anything non-essential. But thankfully there are pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin pies, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin donuts to comfort them. The continued existence of real pumpkins is rumoured but not confirmed as so many of these majestic melons/gourds have fallen victim to slaughter at the hands of Tim Hortons, Starbucks, and a few other small coffee shops that think they can compete but really can’t.
Fall is also known as autumn, but no one is really sure why. Maybe it comes from the Latin autus meaning “growth” or “increase” to refer to the growth of the piles of leaves on the ground, or the increase in the amount of clothes people wear. Or maybe it comes from the Greek αὐτός meaning “self” or “the same” to refer to how people retreat deeper inside their self and become more reclusive, or how their feelings darken in the same way each year.
This year fall comes with confusion. When did it start? Has it started? My calendar says that the first day of fall was September 23, so I guess it just started. My Chinese friends told me that the Mid-Autumn Festival was on September 8. I can only assume that the Mid-Autumn Festival is the midpoint of autumn, so by that logic, autumn is almost over! Or maybe autumn is just starting here but almost over in China. Somebody told me that China was 12 hours ahead, but maybe they meant 12 weeks. Fucking time zones eh? How do they work?
The simplest, most accurate way of judging if it is fall is based on the weather. But this year, even that has been failing me. I have always abided by a simple policy: I wear shorts all summer and once the temperature falls below 15 or 10 or whenever I feel cold, I switch to wearing pants. From that point on, I wear pants until spring. Around mid-September, it dropped below 10 so I threw out my shorts and bought several pairs of pants. Then the temperature went up and up. Eventually I was wearing pants and it was 32 out! I was so sweaty. No one would buy me a pumpkin spice latte smelling like this! Then I realized it probably wasn’t even autumn yet so all I could even buy was a strawberry frappuccino anyway. This weather was really fucking with me. A few days ago, it still felt like summer. Now it feels like winter. I even heard it was snowing in Calgary. Maybe we’ll skip fall this year. I don’t think that’d be too bad. Personally, as long as I get my pumpkin pie, I can live without fall.