Famous Paradoxes and How They Can Applied to Sex and Masturbation

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Here at Golden Words™ we like to consider ourselves deep thinkers. This is a little known fact but most press nites are actually just lengthy discussions about classical philosophy and the deeper meaning of life. However, we are also disgusting pieces of shit whose senses of humour are centred mainly on jokes involving vulgarity and topics that should generally be excluded from polite conversation. This week, for your reading pleasure, we have assembled five of our favourite paradoxes and discussed how they can be applied to sex and masturbation. This is some pretty deep shit and may technically count as doing your readings for your philosophy course. Without further ado I present to you the most significant development in contemporary philosophy since Haddway asked us what love was in 1993. Prepare to have your minds blown.

Schrodinger’s Fap:
If you’re not familiar with the Schrodinger’s Cat paradox the basic premise is this. If you place a cat in a box with poison that may or may not be released while the cat is in the closed box you cannot be sure whether or not the cat is dead until you’ve opened the box. Because of this uncertainty the cat can be considered both dead and alive while the box is closed. The same principle can applied to jacking off. When you walk into your bedroom and lock your door your housemates do not know whether or not you’re jacking off. To them you exist in the state of jacking off while also simultaneously not jacking off. Based on this logic every time your housemate closes the door to their room, technically speaking, they are jacking off. Every-fucking-time. You didn’t know it, but from a philosophical perspective your housemates are jacking off for hours a day. Make sure to think about this paradox every time you walk by a closed bedroom door for the rest of your life.

Zeno’s Para-box:
According to Zeno’s Paradox in order to finish a 100 metre race you first need to run the first 50 metres, then the next 25 and so on dividing every previously run distance in half. By this logic you can never finish the race because dividing by 2 will always leave you with more distance to run. According to the less known Zeno’s Para-box, in order to successfully bring your partner to climax you first need to have sex for half the time it takes, then half of the remaining time and so on and so forth. By the same logic you can never technically finish having sex because the amount of time you need to have sex for will never reach zero. This is probably why your girlfriend can’t finish, not because of any shortcomings on your part.

Snatch 22:
You all know what a catch 22 is. You may not however know what a snatch 22 is. A snatch 22 is a paradox concerning the entrance of a virgin into the crazy world of sexual activity. When someone is sexually inexperienced there can be an element of apprehension in having sex for the first time out of fear of being shit at it. Obviously it’s impossible to be good at sex without first having sex. As a result the snatch 22 can be a rabbit hole which consumes and becomes the only hole in an individual’s life.

Twin Pair of Cocks:
So, the twin paradox is when one twin in a pair of identical twins gets on a spaceship and travels close to the speed of light. When they come back to earth they will appear younger than their twin while being technically the same age due to the effects of time dilation. Likewise the Twin Pair of Cocks involves two people who take the exact same amount of time to jack off. One gets on a spaceship to jack off and the other stays on Earth. Even though they both took the same amount of time to jack off from their own observations the twin who was travelling close to the speed of light will have lasted much longer than twin who stayed on earth to rub one out in terms of absolute time. By this logic it is technically possible to increase your sexual endurance just by fapping/having sex in space.

Firm D Paradox:
The Fermi paradox is a statistical paradox proposed by physicist Enrico Fermi which essentially states that given the massive scale of the Universe there should be millions of extraterrestrial civilizations that should have by this point contacted humanity. The Firm D paradox relies on similar statistical principles and posits that given the massive number of humans on the planet, you should be getting laid, regardless of any flaws you have. Additionally whatever sexual fetish you have, there will be at least one, probably more people who want to do that with you. Take for example the case of someone who would like his sexual partners to shit on his chest. Let’s say that he is only interested in women, only 1% of women find him attractive, only 1% of the women who found him attractive would sleep with him, and only 1% of those women would be interested in shitting on his chest. Under these circumstances there are still 3,500 women on the planet who would be enthusiastic about taking a dump on this man for his sexual pleasure. So, in conclusion, given the high volume of people on earth you should be getting laid/having your chest shit on if that’s what your heart desires.

There you go, some food for thought. Think about these paradoxes in the shower or on the toilet. Let the unanswered questions of life and the human experience keep you up at night. Also, like, don’t shit on people’s chests, no matter how much they want you to.

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