In a shocking turn of events, a first year student was asked to leave a party hosted in the University District, despite never receiving an invite to the allegedly closed event.
First year student Aaron Jennings explains: “I mean here I was minding my own business walking through the University District when suddenly I heard music, spilling into the street and filling my heart with warmth. When I got closer to the house, I noticed there were at least 15 people inside the home. Why would you have loud music and 15 people in one place if you weren’t inviting people into your home??”
Aaron then allegedly entered the home of third year film major Beatrice Holden, shouting “Who’s ready to fuck shit up?” at no one in particular while slamming back a room temperature Smirnoff Lite Ice™. “We didn’t even know who he was,” said Beatrice about the incident. “He just waltzed into my home, during my private screening event of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, you know, the 20th anniversary edition with glittery subtitles for each of Dr. Frank N. Furter’s songs? Anyways, it was a really special night for myself and a few of my art appreciating comrades, when this neanderthal of a first year barged into my home, drank his beverage and then proceeded to vomit all over my limited edition signed Dr. Who poster. It was of the 11th Doctor too… Anyways, after he’d finished puking on all the best things in my life, I asked if he could please leave as this was a closed gathering.”
After Jennings was requested to leave the premises, a small struggle ensued in the front hall, with Holden repeating her request whilst Jennings alternatively shouted “Who’s gonna make me” and “I fucking run shit”.
Eventually, Jennings was coaxed out of the residence when one of the guests, Milan Patterson shouted “I hear there’s a toonie kegger at 677 Johnston!” Milan later confided in a friend that she wasn’t even sure that there was a house at 667 Johnston St., let alone a toonie kegger.
Regarding the experience, Jennings released a final statement to the public on Sunday morning, reiterating his feelings about the events that unfolded that evening. “I just want to let the students in the University District know that the next time they kick a first year out of their homes, they should consider the feelings of the first years involved. There were at least 6 girls in the party, and one girl was even cute. Consider my feelings the next time you decide to ruin my life in front of cute girls.”
Holden’s only rebuttal at the time of printing was an exasperated “Fucking frosh and their backpacks, man”.