Five Douchebags That Don’t Seem All That Fucking Bad After Charlottesville, Do They Motherfucker?

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Thad

He cheated on you with your sister, he got cumstains on your couch whenever you left it alone with him, he didn’t put the seat down. But did he throw on a pair of khaki pants, grab a torch, and take a stroll down nazi lane?

Like it or not, the bar of basic decency has been drastically lowered. Say what you will about those cumstains, but at least they weren’t graffiti saying “Make America Great Again.”

Brad

He treats wait staff like shit, granted. But say what you will about his tattoo that reads “I keep getting older, they stay the same age,” at least it’s not one of Pepe.

Chad

He told random women on the street to smile, he refused to fuck you on your period, and got all uppity whenever the 2016 Ghostbusters movie came up. But at least his squeamishness about blood has kept Chad away from performing racist acts of violence in the streets! Plus, at least he’s a big enough proponent for equality that he asks women of colour to smile just as much. Fuck, in this day and age he’s a keeper.

Vlad

He may have “jokingly” asked your redhead friend if the carpet matches the drapes, but at least his obsession with the colour red hasn’t lured him into the nazi aesthetic. You don’t like it, but you’re still pretty certain he’s in the upper echelon of men.

Thomas

He doesn’t shower, he takes phone calls in movies, he drinks and drives, he heckles comedians, he thinks cats are better than dogs, he makes plans with you and forgets, he thinks Darth Vader is a Batman character, he fucks you then tells you he has a girlfriend, he never tips, he never gives head, never cleans up after shaving, doesn’t do the dishes, he didn’t vote for Trump, he’s fucking pardoned.

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