Fix n’ Clean Book Reviews Pt. 1

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This Sunday, a couple of Golden Words writers volunteered for EngSoc’s ‘Fix N’ Clean’ programme, during which we found boxes upon boxes of paperbacks. Here is a small sampling of what we found…

(We cannot express how real these titles are)

Wreck The Halls – a “Home Repair is Homicide” mystery
Blending my two favourite things – homicide and renovating, at Christmas no less – ‘Wreck The Halls’ delivers on its cover photo of a hammer wrapped in mistletoe bearing down on a quaint, suburban home. Author Sarah Graves certainly lives up to USA Today’s hype of “appealing” with this thriller. Full of twists and turns that somehow turn a novel about home repair murder into town-butcher murder, it is sure to satisfy fans. Printed in 2001, the paper is still smooth enough to wipe your ass with afterwards.
Naked Mole Rat

How To Murder a Millionaire
This book was terrible! I followed all steps and it didn’t work! First of all, the guy was only worth $800,000, which was some ill-informed advice from Ms. Martin. Secondly, her process was way off. It seems to focus more on the “great clothes” of the protagonist (some fucking woman whose name escapes me) and less on the “so I have an upper-middle-class body bleeding out on my living room rug, how do I bleach out the stains” of my predicament. The worst bit was when I had finally rolled the body up in the rug and went to throw it in the river, the dude woke up – he didn’t even die! Apparently smacking him profusely with a copy of “How to Murder a Millionaire” isn’t enough to kill a man. I’d recommend not picking this one up, but if you do, make sure it’s a hardcover so you can finish the job.
Rating: 25-to-life
Naked Mole Rat

Get Bunny Love
Words can truly not encompass the beauty and depth of Get Bunny Love. When it comes to the sensuality and beauty of Bunny and her engorged lover Nate McNulty, nothing can put out the flame of their desire. To get the best idea of the ravenous love within this novel, here are some of Golden Words favorite quotes: “Nate’s erection grew painful”, “Any moment now she’d spontaneously combust”, “Hard, heavy, and all male”, “Nate tugged at the waistband of her leggings, ‘These have to go.’”, “His hands moving beneath her, cradling her buttocks”, ”Her eyes fluttered shut as their joined bodies pulsed to the rhythm of his release”, “She’s about to melt into his corporate carpet”.    
Carbonated Dreams

Stranger In My Bed
Absolute shit. The stranger was hardly hot, and the sex scenes were PG at best. I truly expected better from Anne Coleman, after the thrilling intrigue and sex in her popular paperback, “The Creative Sewing Machine”, and “Quilting: New Dimensions”. This murder mystery leaves a lot to be desired, any book that poses the question, “How did Derrick’s first wife really die?” You know it was fucking Derrick. Like his name’s fucking Derrick? Who trusts a guy named fucking Derrick?? Zero stars.
Carbonated Dreams

Who left That Body in the Rain?
It was the stranger in my bed.
Pacific Rim Job

Unnatural Death: Confessions of a Medical Examiner
You know the expression “don’t judge a book by its cover”. Well, I took one look at the cover of this book which advertises a look into the causes of a variety of deaths including “exotic sex rituals” and decided to do the exact opposite with this book because I am absolutely terrified by what this book may contain. According to the cover, Unnatural Death mixes celebrity scandal and medical pornography into what is no doubt a classic of the disturbing shit genre. This book is an absolute must-read if dead baby jokes are a turn on for you. A highlight includes why JFK’s autopsy failed to disclose crucial evidence and (I’m presuming) a detailed explanation on why you just vomited, and how Law & Order: SVU didn’t prepare you for this shit.
Rating: Four dead bodies and half a JFK conspiracy out of five stars
Two and a Half Black Men

Exit the Milkman
Upon viewing the title, you would think that this would be a tell tale novel about your conception. But no, it’s a riveting novel of a professor and his cows. It opens with “Prof Jim would do anything for his cows”, and it only gets better. A must read.
Rating: 4 and half milk crates.
Sometimes Bruce Wayne

Someone to Watch Over Me 
This novel is a period piece set in the 1930’s. I wasn’t that concerned about the novel, until I saw 6 other books by the same author. This book could be fine if you give it a chance, but once I saw the other books, I put this one down. Some of Jill Churchill’s other works include “Silence of the Hams”, “War and Peas”, “A Quiche Before Dying” and “From Here to Paternity”. With works like that under Churchill’s belt, I knew I didn’t even have to read it to know it was a quality novel.
Hedonist for Hire

Mrs. Malory and ANYTHING AT ALL by Hazel Holt
Hazel Holt is 86 years old. In the last 20 years, she has written 21 mystery novels with the title formula “Mrs. Malory and _____”. One of the ones sitting in front of me is titled “Mrs. Malory and Death by Water”. I also have “…and the Silent Killer”. The review for the latter says “sink comfortably with the heroine into a burnished old pub or a cup of tea.” If British small-town mystery starring an old lady is your cup of tea, then this is a great 21-book series for you.
Hedonist for Hire

Hot Flashes,
While reading this book, which was described by People as “… a landmark woman’s novel,” I could literally feel my penis inverting itself and turning into a vagina. The book is full of insights on the life of aging women, including sex, relationships, abortions, sex, marriage, sex, and sex. The book doesn’t even pretend to have a plot; instead, it’s the sporadic writings of the author. Every time she has a hot flash, she opens her journal and writes. The anecdotes she shares will make you laugh, make you cry, but mostly, make you vaguely uncomfortable the next time you make eye contact with your mother. Raskin is incredibly candid and vivid in her recollections of being a wealthy housewife in the 50’s and 60’s. Here are some ACTUAL QUOTES from the novel to entice you to never, ever, ever fucking read it:

  • “Wow, look at that sweet pussy,” he said. “I could eat it for five days running.”
  • “Judith holds our record for abortions with 8. She had one in Cuba before the revolution and one after.”
  • “Aren’t you going to kiss me first?” Glenda asked the gynecologist as he started doing a pelvic on her.

If any of that sounds enjoyable to you, ask your doctor about Prozac.
Badger

A Tax Deductible Death
The romance novel for the serial killer/accountant in you, this is the book for those who are debating between reading 50 Shades of Gray and Frank Wood’s Business Accounting on the bus ride back to Toronto this weekend. Author Malinda Terreri blends finance, murder, and romance with all the grace and finesse of a Russian dashboard-cam car crash. A must-read for sexually deprived commerce students.
Badger

Leonard Maltin’s Movie Encylopedia
This guy invented IMDB, like holy fuck, dude’s a genius. This book is a 2 pound literature masterpiece. He listed every movie and actor for the year of 1994. It’s impressive. He should sue those copy cats at IMDB.
Sometimes Bruce Wayne

Miss Manners’ Guide For The Turn of the Millenium
A true visionary for the future! With such wonderful insights as “call waiting is like a child screaming for attention” and “don’t start grabbing company property after being fired” – thank god for Miss “Judith Martin” Manners or I would never no how to survive in this fast paced world we’ve been thrown into. She continually reminds her “Gentle Reader” (sensual!) to adapt to the new millenium with ease. This is all assuming we survive Y2K, of course. Which is why you should follow Miss Manners’ advice for building your survival bunker and stocking it with the most plentiful concubines to ensure the continuation of the human species.
Naked Mole Rat

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