Fix n’ Clean Book Reviews Pt.2

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Hot Flashes,
While reading this book, which was described by People as “… a landmark woman’s novel,” I could literally feel my penis inverting itself and turning into a vagina. The book is full of insights on the life of aging women, including sex, relationships, abortions, sex, marriage, sex, and sex. The book doesn’t even pretend to have a plot; instead, it’s the sporadic writings of the author. Every time she has a hot flash, she opens her journal and writes. The anecdotes she shares will make you laugh, make you cry, but mostly, make you vaguely uncomfortable the next time you make eye contact with your mother. Raskin is incredibly candid and vivid in her recollections of being a wealthy housewife in the 50’s and 60’s. Here are some ACTUAL QUOTES from the novel to entice you to never, ever, ever fucking read it:

  • “Wow, look at that sweet pussy,” he said. “I could eat it for five days running.”
  • “Judith holds our record for abortions with 8. She had one in Cuba before the revolution and one after.”
  • “Aren’t you going to kiss me first?” Glenda asked the gynecologist as he started doing a pelvic on her.

If any of that sounds enjoyable to you, ask your doctor about Prozac.
Badger

A Tax Deductible Death 
The romance novel for the serial killer/accountant in you, this is the book for those who are debating between reading 50 Shades of Gray and Frank Wood’s Business Accounting on the bus ride back to Toronto this weekend. Author Malinda Terreri blends finance, murder, and romance with all the grace and finesse of a Russian dashboard-cam car crash. A must-read for sexually deprived commerce students.
Badger

Leonard Maltin’s Movie Encylopedia
This guy invented IMDB, like holy fuck, dude’s a genius. This book is a 2 pound literature masterpiece. He listed every movie and actor for the year of 1994. It’s impressive. He should sue those copy cats at IMDB.
Sometimes Bruce Wayne

Miss Manners’ Guide For The Turn of the Millenium
A true visionary for the future! With such wonderful insights as “call waiting is like a child screaming for attention” and “don’t start grabbing company property after being fired” – thank god for Miss “Judith Martin” Manners or I would never no how to survive in this fast paced world we’ve been thrown into. She continually reminds her “Gentle Reader” (sensual!) to adapt to the new millenium with ease. This is all assuming we survive Y2K, of course. Which is why you should follow Miss Manners’ advice for building your survival bunker and stocking it with the most plentiful concubines to ensure the continuation of the human species.
Naked Mole Rat

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