For First Time in History, Annual Hazing Rituals of Frosh Week Claim 0 Victims


The rituals of Queen’s University frosh week have always been important and integral parts of the Queen’s experience. However, respect is always of the utmost importance, as Queen’s would never want to be associated with anything distasteful or controversial. However, hazing has been an issue at Queen’s and other institutions as a consequence of our outstanding school spirit.

In a shocking revelation, Golden Words is proud to report that, for the first time since the foundation of Queen’s, no casualties have been sustained due to frosh week hazing. Amazingly, despite constant complaints from fresh-faced frosh starting their magical journeys of education at Queen’s, and consistent efforts from the overlords of Queen’s bureaucracy to prevent it, hazing of new students has been a recurring problem since the dawn of time.

Since the beginning, there has never been a frosh week that did not claim at least one unsuspecting frosh’s life due to out-of-control hazing practices. And yet, reports indicate that 2017 has received an honour beyond imagining: it has been awarded an illustrious medal for the first-ever haze-free year at Queen’s University. This honour had previously only been held by lesser-known and shittier schools that never gave enough of a fuck to even organize activities for their frosh, thus not affording the opportunity for hazing.

Experts are tracing the source of this unprecedented breakthrough to the rise of inclusive and accepting attitudes that has occurred in the last few years, as well as the immeasurable benefits that fidget spinners have had in relieving that first-year stress. Finally, the PC culture of the late 2010s has resulted in a positive outcome, in that hazing has been eradicated for good, and is not projected to make a resurgence until Trudeau leaves office and Canada is once again plunged into anarchy and chaos.

Apparently students have really been feeling malaise, because they have been reporting the haze, and Queen’s has taken notice. The heroes of Queen’s administration have ensured that the leaders of tomorrow will no longer be hassled or embarrassed by upper years as they partake in the friendly and inclusive rituals of froshhood, meeting new people, touring the campus, and being forced by their peers to sing idiotic rhyming songs expressing how they feel. Now they are truly free to feel good, oh they feel so good, oh.