Ford Administration’s New Education Initiative Just Punching Anyone Who Wears Glasses in the Face

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Queen’s Park, Toronto – Doug Ford announced this morning that as part of his government’s ongoing campaign to reduce government spending, a new program will be implemented within both Ontario’s Catholic and Public school systems.  The new program, which be rolled out during the 2019-2020 school year, will involve all students aged 4-18 who wear glasses being punched squarely in the face at least once per week for their entire public school careers.

“I live my life based on a simple philosophy.  That there are two types of people.  Jocks and nerds.  The evidence overwhelmingly seems to show that nerds require almost four times as many taxpayer dollars to fully educate that jocks do.  By making school a place of absolute terror for any student who wears glasses, it’s our hope that by their early teens they will have lost all passion for learning and knowledge that they once had”.

In a press release, the Ford Administration estimated that this program could save the province millions over the next twenty years.  While they acknowledged that results would be slow, they were also adamant that once an entire generation had been schooled in an environment this violently anti-intellectual, that university enrollment would drop sufficiently to eliminate the need for a Ministry of Universities, Colleges, and Training Cabinet entirely.

When asked why he was interested in reducing the number of ministries in his cabinet Ford simply replied that he “[doesn’t] like dealing with big numbers”.

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