Forget everything you knew about frosh week, Queen’s University and your last three weeks of calculus lectures (lol now you’re fucked for calculus). Ok, but let’s get serious ya butts cause there’s a wild man on the loose and we’re all in danger, like super serious–“your parents came in for a surprise Saturday morning visit”–danger and you gotta listen up or you’re next trip into the Student Ghetto may be your last.
A “Frec-Bigfoot”, otherwise known as BigFrec, is here, near, and something to fear (rule 1: always alliterate). Legend has it that one frosh week long ago, one frec tried to de-purple but had a “Venom” style thing going on and the gentian was too strong. His co-frec’s tried to help him, scrubbing dish soap, laundry detergent and battery acid, desperately trying to save their friend. Four shots of vodka, 3 episodes of “Duck Dynasty” and 4 years of dehydration and slamming later, BigFrec was born.
Who was BigFrec before his day of damnation? Some say he was just a quiet little engineer, anxiously awaiting his first few days of class, innocently hoping for a bright future. When the purple took hold, his eyes finally opened: Frosh must mosh, nobody can touch the GPA, the water station is super close and you should definitely stay hydrated.
Believe me, BigFrec is still here in the student ghetto, alive… watching…waiting…there have been some reported sightings of a purple figure scrounging the student ghetto for loose cardboard, eating wet oatmeal out of a paper bag while murmuring “everything is optional” to itself. Not convinced? If you leave an open box of timbits on you window sill at night, all the honey glazed will be gone in the morning… is it a squirrel? Maybe. Is it BigFrec? Also maybe, but a bigger maybe so, yeah, it’s BigFrec.
Ok, here’s the big question you’ve been raising you hand for this entire issue (you can put your hand down now calm down): how do you protect yourself against this mythical monster-man myth? Painting your front door purple is a solid Passover classic that shows you’re a believe in the purple people eater, keeping the boogieman at bay. I pray to Dean Deluzio every night that I never come face to face with this savage.