Wildly declaring herself to be “the one and only to hit up for STAGE RAGE LINE SKIP TONITEEEEE,” area frosh Jessica Ellington has been blazing her way through the realms of social media the past few weeks to promote various events “going down” at “the number one party palace in K-town,” Stages Nightclub.
According to various sources in Vic 3E, Ellington has been in the employ of the notorious ‘Staj Mahal’ since week two, and has since been blanketing everyone within her company with various promotional material. “I mean, I guess good for her going out and getting a job,” said neighbour Brandon Katz. “But Jesus Christ, dial it back a bit Jess. Most of us are 18 – the closest thing we’ll get to the club experience is passing a 26 of Smirnoff around the circle in silence hoping our Don won’t catch us. Or the Spot.”
Despite coming across as a voiceless drone subject to the every whim of Kingston’s #1 Procuror of Monday Night Regret, Ellington told Golden Words that she is “hella hype” to be in this position. “I’m living the university dream! I get to rep the best club in town to all of my best peeps, AND make money doing it. Sometimes, after the night is done, they let me take home all the jackets that get left behind!”
As the paper went to print, witnesses reported that Ellington had just posted “Studying got you down? Well come spend your MONDAY NIGHT IN STYLE @ Princess Street’s Den of Decadence STAGESSSS. GET HYPE. MESSAGE FOR TIX!!!”