Frosh’s Guide to West Campus Travel


Stuck on West, frosh? Not sure all the ways to get there. Well, enjoy a famous Golden Words public service announcement to inform you of your options:
Drive: Seriously, you have a car frosh? Fuck, you don’t need this guide.  
Walk: Helps give you exercise to burn off the caf food and prolong the inevitable Freshman 15. However, the snow and darkness will soon descend upon you and this becomes a dangerous activity. In the darkness the wolves that patrol Union Street waiting for unsuspecting frosh will be your biggest concern. The wolves fear only fire and GPA. Golden Words can not help you defeat the wolves but if you do it should only be a 20 minute walk. 
Bus: Like getting close with 1000 student and that one scary towny, frosh? Then the bus is perfect for you. No risk of wolves and faster when it actually shows up. The real drawback is the spread of Pit Flu that you will get from all the engineering students
Tunnel: That’s right, you can walk in concrete lined comfort inside a dark scary tunnel that goes all the way to West. The westbound tunnel is accessed through the ARC by entering the underground parking. Go through the green door on the left that says Physical Plant Services Only (the one past the homeless man sleeping on the bed of empties). Then take a right at the rat orgy and a left in the pipe tunnel. Follow the pipes all the way to West Campus. As you stroll along in concrete lined comfort think of the poor unfortunate frosh walking on the surface and how many will inevitably be eaten by the wolves. Don’t think of this for too long as you need to be watchful for the minotaur that is down there.
GPA: Golden Party Artillery is no longer just for launching froshes jackets; now it can launch the frosh. Board the canon in the Richard Stadium departure lounge and enjoy your express ride to campus. You should end up by Grant Hall depending on the wind direction. Remember to bend your knees and tuck and roll while landing.
Transfer to main: A spot just opened in Main Campus residence and you got your name in fast enough? Well then I guess you will be safe from the wolves after your move, assuming they don’t get you while you’re carrying all your stuff. Happy travels.