Move-in day is typically one of the most exciting days of the year for incoming Queen’s students. Cars clog up the roads as parents attempt to move their kids into residence and get home in one piece. However Sarah Shmiff, Con Ed ‘21, had a very different experience when her parents mistakenly confused a misogynistic frosh week sign on Brock Street for an actual drop-off point. Hoping to beat the crowds closer to campus, the family parked in the driveway and began to unload Shmiff’s belongings from the car. Mr. Shmiff knocked on the door to speak with what he thought were school representatives- who knew just how wrong he was. One of the house residents, Chad Wavez, happened to hear Mr. Shmiff on the door and opened it up. “Hello, I am Mr. Shmiff and I am here to drop off my daughter!” Chad, shocked, responded, “AAAAaaahhhh1seccondddd” and slammed the door shut.
Inside the house, Chad yelled out to his housemates who were all smoking bowls in their rooms alone. The house had created a comprehensive action plan in the event of this very situation, and now was the time to execute it. Chad, met in the kitchen with his six other housemates, all also named Chad, and began to set the plan into motion. Chad R. quickly took out the Windex and began to clean the dust off of the shelves and windows. Chad Z. made sure to put away all of the bikini posters of 90s Jennifer Aniston, 90s Pamela Anderson, and 90s Queen Elizabeth. Chad A. applied liberal amounts of Febreeze to the common areas, and Chad G. inflated the memory foam air mattress for Shmiff, in her own room they had been saving for her. These boys had heard enough of about the troubling trend of signs around the student ghetto trivializing sexual assault, and they knew that they would be the ones to change their ways and treat their new housemate Sarah with kindness and respect.
With Sarah’s new room set-up, she was ready for her first dinner with the house. Chad L. had gone out to Costco (for only the finest meats™) and purchased angus steak sirloins for the meal. But he realized he had made a grave mistake – he didn’t know if Sarah was vegetarian. He ran over to her room to ask, but it was too late as she had already gone out with Chad S. to buy some jazz vinyls for their new house record player. Alarmed, he knew what he had to do, and it might get ugly. He had to walk over to Old Farm Fine Foods, buy the ingredients for a vegan quinoa salad, carefully follow every second of a Tasty video, and make a meal that would impress any houseguest. Chad F. laid out the tablecloths and wine glasses, and when Sarah and Chad S. returned with Sun Ra’s 1974 jazz-afrofuturism classic ‘Space is the Place’ on limited edition 48g white vinyl, the meal could begin.
The delicious medium-rare steaks and dazzling vegetarian quinoa only set the tone for a fruitful bond to form between Sarah and the Chads. Her strong opinions on the value of public schooling convinced the house to join together and start an education advocacy group on campus. Chad V. taught Shmiff how to play guitar, and her legendary gigs at venues like Musikkii and The Toucan provided some extra cash that kept her well-fed during exam season. Before anyone knew what hit them, fourth year was coming to a close. Chad Y. was off to dental school, Chad D. was taking the summer to write his GMAT, and Chad Q. intended to pursue his dog dating app start-up, Tindog. With the constant motivation of the Chads, Sarah had studied hard enough to ace her finals and land herself a top position at the Ministry of Education. Alas, after years of ups and downs, the time was approaching for this seemingly inseparable group to part ways. On Sarah’s move out day, the house knew what they had to do, the final item of the action plan: the ‘Daughter Pick-Up’ sign.