“Chad’s a fuckboy, Chad’s a fuckboy!”
That is the single chant ringing out from the small congregation gathered in front of the Stauffer Library, also known to the local students as ‘Club Stauff’. The gathering has been held by three of Queen’s brightest, a group of young women that has bravely proclaimed themselves as ‘Chad’s Side Hoes’.
“Well, basically, a side hoe is like, almost a girlfriend, but not quite,” explains Side Hoe leader Jenni, “We’re like, here to provide for Chad when his actual girlfriend isn’t meeting his needs. I’m the first girl Chad calls when he needs something, but like, I’m really into Tumbling so Tuesdays are my night off.”
Tamra, a 2nd year philosophy major, was lovely enough to elaborate on the cause of the protest. “Well, you see, it all started a month ago when Chad started to see this new girl, skank hoe Vanessa. The rest of us thought she was just going to end up as a side hoe like the rest of us, so we all started out by being nice to her.” Tamra explains that skank hoe Vanessa quickly rose the ranks of the side hoes, until Chad dropped the bombshell of the year on the side hoes.
“Brad was all ‘I’m going to have to let you all go.’ Giving me the whole ‘You’ve been a great side hoe, it’s not your abilities, it’s my tastes’ crap. ‘I’m a boyfriend now, I have no time for side hoes’. And like, obviously we couldn’t allow that to happen? So like, that’s why we kidnapped Chad last night and duct taped him to the Club Stauff sign, we just want to show everyone what a real fuckboi he is.”
The third member of the protest, Nicolette, was so moved by the crying and chanting of Tamra and Jessi that she herself joined the cause. “I’ve never seen Chad before today,” she told us, patting Chad delicately on the head, “but the cause was so mighty and noble I just found myself caught up in the tides of justice. I’ve really found my place here, I think they might even make me treasurer of the group soon!”
Chad, the self-proclaimed ‘most fire fuckboi of 2015’, was unavailable to comment due to copious amounts of duct tape.