In response to the general consensus that there are literally no viable candidates in the running for president of the United States, former AMS Presidential hopeful FuckFace McGee has thrown his hat in the ring. FuckFace will be running for the independent “Toga Party” under a radical platform of widespread reform that lacks any degree of consistency. Golden Words has obtained a copy of Mr. McGee’s platform and would like to share it with you while officially announcing our endorsement of FuckFace McGee for President of the U.S.
1. Mr. President bring down this wall: FuckFace is going against Trump and running an aggressively anti-wall campaign. Under a McGee government, the building of walls would be outlawed and all existing walls in the U.S would be torn down.
2. Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage: FuckFace McGee has also pledged to outlaw heterosexual marriage. Exceptions to this rule exist however if the marriage is polygamous or if it takes place in the state of Nevada.
3. Pot is bad: Increased sanctions and meaningful prohibition of marijuana.
4. But Heroin is Good:The nationwide legalisation of heroin.
5. Taxes are still bullshit: The abolition of the federal income tax combined with a doubling in government spending that FuckFace says will be covered by the excise tax from newly legalised heroin.
6. FUCK TRUMP: A proposed political and military union with Mexico.
7. Norway or No Way: Making Norweigan the official language of the United States and teaching a Scandinavian centric curriculum, in Norwegian, in all U.S schools.
8. Alcoholympics: Making beer pong the official national sport of The United States.
9. Suffer This: McGee promises to end male suffrage nationwide if elected in 2016.
10. Let the liquor flow: McGee will lower the drinking age for alcohol >15% ABV to 15. He will however raise the drinking age for beverages <15% ABV to 26 and a half.
11. IT’S NOT FUCKING HEALTHY: The prohibition of diet sodas.
12. It’s not a dick you can’t just lie about the size: Serving a sub that is less that 12 inches long will be made an offensive the commision of which will be punishable by death.
13. United in Faith: McGee will make consumerism the official state religion of the U.S. All state ceremonies and documents will acknowledge that Wal-Mart is the supreme deity of the universe and is due reverence from all Americans.
14. This should ruffle some feathers: Removing the U.S constitution from law and replacing it with the iTunes EULA as the basis of all American laws.
15. Kiss my ANUS: McGee promises to abolish the AMS as his first act when president of The United States.
If this guys doesn’t win the election I’m giving up on the U.S entirely.