Going to the emergency department isn’t everyone’s idea of a fun night. But I’ve been spending a lot of time there lately and I’ve developed some pro strats to make it a little more interesting…
- Beg the most infectious-looking person there to cough on you. Tell them that you need to get out of a midterm and they look sufficiently gross to qualify for a medical exemption.
- You skipped Crossfit to come here?! Better get some reps in. Grab one of the flimsy chairs as a kettlebell and do 50 squats and 80 deadlifts. Stack a few together or add a small child for more weight as needed.
- Build forts with the shock blankets and the IV poles.
- Sing long excerpts from The Rocky Horror Show. Convince others to join you. Bonus marks are awarded if you add choreography.
- Stick “random” body parts in the blood pressure cuff… and by random I mean your dick. Just try it. Just stick it in there.
- Drape a shock blanket around your shoulders, put a spit tray on your head, and pretend to be a superhero. Attack the vending machines, claiming you are liberating the chocolate bars for the sake of the masses. Don’t be deterred by security guards; offer them a share of the spoils!
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
- Fold gigantic origami animals out of the magazines. Set up a mini-Noah’s ark scene and make animal noises as you pretend to march them past triage.
- Try and seduce a busy health professional working to save lives while using while using the word “hemorrhage” in every sentence. They’ll definitely appreciate it.
- Try and get the triage nurse to chuckle while saying the most horrific symptoms in a lisped helium voice
- Start caroling “Joy to the World” down the hospital corridor ignoring the fact that it isn’t even Hallowe’en yet. I mean realistically the Christmas holiday decorations are going up in stores anyways, you mighta as well join in the spirit.
- Bribe a doctor to give you lifegiving medication in a used needle to see if the infections will cancel out.
- Break into the stores and try ALL the medication.