Fun Things to Do In Hospital Emergency Rooms


Going to the emergency department isn’t everyone’s idea of a fun night. But I’ve been spending a lot of time there lately and I’ve developed some pro strats to make it a little more interesting…

  1. Beg the most infectious-looking person there to cough on you. Tell them that you need to get out of a midterm and they look sufficiently gross to qualify for a medical exemption.
  2. You skipped Crossfit to come here?! Better get some reps in. Grab one of the flimsy chairs as a kettlebell and do 50 squats and 80 deadlifts. Stack a few together or add a small child for more weight as needed.
  3. Build forts with the shock blankets and the IV poles.
  4. Sing long excerpts from The Rocky Horror Show. Convince others to join you. Bonus marks are awarded if you add choreography.
  5. Stick “random” body parts in the blood pressure cuff… and by random I mean your dick. Just try it. Just stick it in there.
  6. Drape a shock blanket around your shoulders, put a spit tray on your head, and pretend to be a superhero. Attack the vending machines, claiming you are liberating the chocolate bars for the sake of the masses. Don’t be deterred by security guards; offer them a share of the spoils!
  7. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
  8. Fold gigantic origami animals out of the magazines. Set up a mini-Noah’s ark scene and make animal noises as you pretend to march them past triage.
  9. Try and seduce a busy health professional working to save lives while using while using the word “hemorrhage” in every sentence. They’ll definitely appreciate it.
  10. Try and get the triage nurse to chuckle while saying the most horrific symptoms in a lisped helium voice
  11. Start caroling “Joy to the World” down the hospital corridor ignoring the fact that it isn’t even Hallowe’en yet. I mean realistically the Christmas  holiday decorations are going up in stores anyways, you mighta as well join in the spirit.
  12. Bribe a doctor to give you lifegiving medication in a used needle to see if the infections will cancel out.
  13. Break into the stores and try ALL the medication.