Are you currently living in residence at Queen’s University? Are you born between March 12, 1996 and December 31, 1996? Do you think you might enjoy drinking? Are you jealous of your fellow floormates who can finally drink? Do you want to be a badass rebel, fighting against your don’s tyrannous rule, make all your friends jealous, and impress
people of the opposite sex people you want to fuck? Then look no further! Follow this guide to making and drinking your own alcohol in residence!*
Alcohol is produced by the fermentation of sugar by yeast. You’re going to need both sugar and yeast. Fortunately, both of these ingredients can be obtained free of charge* from the caf!
Sugar is in pretty much everything that the caf serves, but you’re best off using something liquid, such as pop or juice. Your booze will end up tasting like whatever soft drink you choose, so pick your favourite and and sneak as much of it out of the caf as possible. If this is too much liquid, you can also use ketchup mixed with water. The ketchup is a much more concentrated form of sugar, and you can get water from your tap without having to smuggle it from the caf! Another benefit of ketchup is that you can use as much or as little water as you want to make your res-made booze as strong as you want!
Yeast is harder to find. It is used to bake bread, but the heat of the oven usually kills off all of the yeast. Fortunately, Sodexo’s food safety standards are pretty low, so the bread isn’t always fully baked. Find a particularly soggy loaf as it will contain maximum yeast content.
In addition to the ketchup-water mixture and soggy bread, you’ll also need a container to do the brewing in. Fortunately the caf has these too! Since your drink will probably be really popular and you’ll end up brewing for your whole floor, you’ll need the biggest container you can get. I recommend an empty ice cream tub. Bring a very large backpack, get your friend to make a distraction and sneak out a big tub of your favourite ice cream. It will melt quickly, so share it with your
floormates people you want to fuck. Remember, you stole it for the container, not the ice cream inside. If you fail to get an ice cream tub, you can always just put an out of order sign on the bathroom and use the toilet.
Once you have all your supplies ready, you can start brewing! This parts actually really easy. Just mix the ketchup-water (or pop) with the soggy bread in the toilet bowl (or empty ice cream tub), and shut the lid. Come back in a few weeks and your rez-wine will be ready to go. Gather your closest underage
friends people you want to fuck, and prepare for the time of your life. All your of-age friends will be jealous!
*Note: Golden Words does not endorse underage drinking, drinking in res, underage brewing, brewing in res, or stealing from the caf.