As Jenna Freedman strolled into BioSci for her 3:30pm DEVS100 lecture, she sensed an unusual amount of glee in the air. After a few seconds of staring at the sky-written pictures of Lea Michele, she also sensed an unusual amount of happiness in the air. Snow draped treetops, rooftops, and people-tops (hats) alike. A peppermint aroma laced itself across the streets. A faint jingle bell could be heard in the distance.
It finally dawned on her. It was the most wonderful time of the year. Roll Up The Rim season.
Jenna confidently strode through the double doors and checked her watch. 9:15am. Time was tight, but she might be able to squeeze in a quick HC (hot chocolate), or maybe an FV (French Vanilla), or an HPV (HPV) if she wanted to splurge. Jenna made her way to the back of the line, which was located in an abandoned section on the third floor of Mac-Corry. The wait was pretty standard today. She made some friends, wrote an essay, watched some Narcos, got some Tims, rewatched Narcos (with subtitles this time), and before she knew it, they called “NEXT”. To the person in front of her.
With only one person to go, Jenna allowed her mind to wander. What did this cup have in store for her? A free coffee? A free donut? She orgasmed at the thought. “A friend of my dog won a coffee a few years back,” Jenna would later tell me, “so the odds seemed pretty much in my favour”. Little did she know that Hunger Games reference would ring more true than she could ever imagine.
Because Josh Hutcherson was working the counter that day! Cool! In his most Peeta-like voice, Josh called “NEXT” and Jenna realized her time had finally come. She walked 6 carefully placed steps up to the register and stood face-to-face (with Josh Hutcherson). Little did she know those would be the last steps she would ever take…until after she was finished ordering.
Jenna could barely contain her excitement as she shuffled off to the side to await her small hot chocolate. And she could barely FATHOM it when a quick hour later, she was being handed her hot chocolate! By Liam Hemsworth! Hey, no judging, Hollywood is tough.
Jenna promptly poured out the contents of her cup on the floor and went to TOWN on the rim with a childlike wonder and a badgerlike savageness. The moment of truth had arrived. Her nimble thumbs delicately began to unravel the rim, her eyebrows raising with hope in accordance. The words began to peek out from under the rim’s shadow until they abruptly emerged into the light. Jenna got a little woozy. She tried to focus, until she was finally able to understand what was engraved on that tiny white rim.
YOU ARE OUR SLAVE / VOUS ÊTES NOTRE ESCLAVE.
“The first thing I thought was, wait, is that a new kind of donut? Like, maybe a dark chocolate kind of thing?”. Jenna is a little racist. “Hey, I can’t be a racist, I’m black!”. She is not. Jenna is also a compulsive liar.
Later that night, Jenna would discover that tucked away in the terms and conditions, it read plainly: “Tim Hortons reserves the right to make any Roll Up The Rim participant our slave for the next billion years. No back-outs”.
As you could imagine, Jenna was initially quite shocked. She didn’t remember seeing anything in the Tim Hortons ads about being a slave. Speaking to her a day later though, Jenna seemed to have found peace with her fate. “Honestly, I just feel lucky I didn’t win a free donut,” she remarked over brunch, “they have soooo many options and picking one would have just stressed me out”.
Jenna makes a fair point.