Girl Giving Out Cookies In Stauffer Library Doing It Just To Make You Feel Like An Asshole


            While many students studying in Stauffer or Douglas take refuge in knowing that shortly after their arrival they will be bombarded with various baked goods and treats, it actually turns out that many of these cookie givers have much more nefarious aims. Golden Words has the exclusive story.

            In a strange series of events, 3rd year Psych major Sarah Kelsey revealed that she only baked her grandmother’s famous chocolate chunk cookie recipe in an attempt to make you feel like an asshole. While students had known her to be a caring and kind individual from her volunteer work throughout Kingston, it turns out that nearly all of her actions have been done to make you feel bad for being a selfish, cold person.

            In an exclusive interview with Golden Words Kelsey stated, “Whenever I go up to people I try to give them this really sweet, warm smile as I extend my tin of cookies towards them. It’s really great to see when people look at me with their envious gaze. I know what they’re thinking: Why can’t I be more like her? The feeling of superiority I get is incredible – definitely worth the time that I could’ve spent studying. She also noted her “growing need to make people know she has a better summer job lined up”, and her propensity to ask people “what did you get on the midterm?” knowing full well that she did better.

            Kelsey also revealed that she was not the only cookie giver seeking to show people that they’re acts of kindness are always personally motivated. Though she could not disclose names for fear of reproach in the baking community, she assured Golden Words that nearly all people roaming Stauffer are part of a cookie trafficking ring run by none other than, you guessed it, Principal Daniel Woolf. Golden Words will follow this story as it progresses.