QUEEN’S PARK, TORONTO – According to a new poll by the Ontario Institute for Youth Voter Engagement, almost 53% of likely voters aged 18-25 in Ontario would just give up on the province for good if the election were held tomorrow. That’s over three times as popular as the leading major party candidate, Doug Ford, and almost 50% more popular than a crudely drawn penis ejaculating onto the Statue of Liberty with the caption “Democracy is Dead”
Researchers were shocked by the results of the poll, but stated that the results do make sense if you take into account that Ontarians under the age of 25 have never lived under a functional provincial government and will very likely be saddled with the unenviable duty of paying off the world’s largest sub-sovereign debt sometime in their 30s or 40s.
Golden Words sent its intrepid reporters out to hear what young voters had to say about the candidates up for election this June.
“If someone told me that Doug Ford had never read a book I would 100% believe them” said Amanda Zhao-Peters, a 21 year old geography major “but at the same time I’m also entirely confident that Kathleen Wynne would sell her own mother into slavery if it meant she got another term as premier. It also seems like Andrea Horwath doesn’t actually know how money works”.
Most of the students we interviewed echoed a similar sentiment. When faced with a choice between unscrupulous, illiterate, and economically illiterate, they’d rather just say “fuck it” and give up on Ontario as a place they’d like to live and work for the rest of their lives.
When asked if they thought that the candidates on offer would be better during the 2023 election most of the young Ontarians we spoke with agreed that they probably weren’t going to stick around in Ontario long enough to find out.