In recent years, there has been a lot of discussion about this controversial probably untrue issue, so we at Golden Fox News felt that we needed to clarify a few things about this so-called myth. As you know, we pride ourselves in our unbiased presentation of the facts– that we gathered ourselves from a very credible team of well paid scientists–to bring you the truth about Global Warming.
Myth: Human activities have caused carbon dioxide emissions to increase dramatically.
Fact: Climate Change is a socialist construct meant to limit our industrial productivity and reduce our quality of life. Let’s face it, we all enjoy watching that sport on our 80 inch flatscreens, and buying those things from that department store at unbelievably low prices. Why should we give all of this up?
Myth: Average global temperatures are rising as a result of greenhouse gas emissions.
Fact: It is 2 degrees colder in Iqaluit this year than it was on today’s date last year. While that might not be a major difference, the snow there will feel 2 degrees colder. Could this mean that we are really in the midst of a Global Cooling, and if so, how far does the conspiracy go? What we do know is that it is still snowing in Iqaluit: Take that climate change supporters!
Myth: Habitat for polar bears is rapidly declining.
Fact: Polar bears are sick and tired of the cold. They spend months planning for their winter vacations down South, and they are entitled to enjoy the sun!
Myth: Discussion about Climate Change should be encouraged at all levels of government.
Fact: Not talking about it will help it go away. We’ve all heard the term ignorance is bliss before, and be honest, the bliss part sounds really good doesn’t it? Of course it does! Take a look at Florida, they’ve banned the terms “Climate Change” and “Global Warming”, and they look happy don’t they! By not talking about it, not only will it go away entirely, but it will give your neighbour Greg less to complain about. Fuck you Greg.
Myth: Global Warming will cause several islands to become submerged.
Fact: It will become infinitely easier to colour in a map of Canada.
Myth: Rising sea levels will destroy coastlines and leave millions homeless.
Fact: Think of this as an investment opportunity. Sure, countless people may become temporarily homeless, but you can make a fortune in the housing market. Just start building a hotel on property completely devoid of an ocean view, and just like that you have a luxury beachfront property!
Myth: Warmer weather is tampering with the seasons.
Fact: Less snow means less time dealing with winter drivers.
After much deliberation with our very highly paid team of scientists, we can honestly say that Global Warming is a myth. Don’t worry about the melting polar ice caps, loss of shorelines, and the socialist propaganda from those so-called climate change supporters. Instead, enjoy the nice weather and be happy that spring is coming early.