Gluten Free Foods: An Honest Review (of this Shitty Diet)


First off: they are crumbly. Also, did you know that gluten has absolutely no negative effect on your health? Those gluten-free diets are lying to you: avoiding gluten will not make you drop ten pounds in a week, sorry babes. You’ll probably just end up being hungry and binge-eating too many bananas or something. Unless those have gluten too. Also, gluten-free food tastes bad. And dry. And gluten-free brownies don’t really taste as chocolatey as they should. I know this firsthand because Chris always brings them in during press nite and I HATE THEM. Whatever happened to good old Oreos? Unless you actually cannot tolerate gluten because your body just doesn’t work 100% properly (no offense), you have no business depriving your body of gluten. Let me repeat this: your body needs gluten. Gluten-free living and peace and love and yoga in Los Angeles is only cool is you are a boho celebrity, and even then. 
What normal human would not indulge in wheat, rye, barley and oats? Think of anything that tastes good. Guaranteed it has gluten. Fries, donuts, chicken nuggets, bread, pasta, bagels, anything you would ever crave… BEER! But don’t worry though. Food that is safe for gluten-free lovers are eggs, beans, fish, meat, and vegetables. You’ve got five whole foods to rotate through, so if you really want to go on a gluten-free diet you would probably survive. My mother has often warned me about gluten-free eating. She tells me that a gluten-free diet is the gateway diet into the big bad world of excessive concern about nutrition. Once you try gluten-free, you’re one step away from trying organic foods, two steps away from only buying local, and three steps away from only having pressed juices as food. I know, scary. I personally feel that Queen’s students are at a high risk of trying a gluten-free diet, since the exposure rate to hipsters is dangerously high. So do me a favour, readers of Golden Words: get yourself a nice greasy slice of pizza and stay away from gluten-free.