God Planning to Catch Up on Last Two Millenia of Human History… soon

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In an address today from the Pearly Gates, God delivered a startling revelation. The creator of all things hasn’t been keeping up with watching humanity. “I meant to do it, I swear it was the top of my to-do list for so long, and in my defence I did diligently keep along for the first ten millennia, but it got a little exhausting after a while” thundered the Almighty. “I mean when I was only looking after the chosen people, parting seas, leading through deserts, scribing tablets that sort of thing that was very doable, and enjoyable. Moses is a great guy to work with. But then the producers went and revamped the whole ensemble with this brand-new Forgiving God motif and all this three in one stuff. It got really convoluted, really fast so I kind of lost interest after a couple centuries.” 
The All Powerful and All Knowing does admit that he thinks humanity took a step in the right direction with the whole three in one stuff. “I think it was a good creative move to make, all told, and no doubt led to some top notch theological revelations or at least a Mel Gibson movie or two. Failing that, the symbolism and imagery I’m sure has had a massive influence: it was definitely the right move. But,I kind of miss the good old days when it was just one God creating day and night, Adam and Eve, it was easier to follow.” The Alpha and the Omega said he lost track sometime around the fall of the Roman Empire and would have caught up way sooner if it wasn’t for Netflix. “Breaking Bad kind of took me by storm,” said Yaweh, “and even the king of kings has a hard time turning off Heisenberg when there’s still product to cook. Besides I love it when Jesse says ‘bitch.’ It’s hilarious.” 
The Lord finally broke down and was honest with the crowd of reporters “OK guys, I would have moved on after the end of Lost but Jesus kept going on about Game of Thrones and Saint Peter and Paul told me I needed to watch True Detective. So the next thing you know I was installing HBO. Long story short. I’ve fallen behind. Considerably behind. Last I heard some shit happened to you guys and I’m sorry. I know you’ve been praying and if it seems like I’ve been distracted that’s because I have been, I usually have the latest season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on the background. Don’t look at me like that. I can fry you with my eyes, but I don’t because I’m too goddamn merciful. It’s a pleasant distraction, and sometimes my brain kind of goes on overdrive after an episode of Sherlock. Do I think the beginning of Season Two was kind of a bullshit deus ex machina? Probably? That is if I indulged in the capacity to feel anything beyond all encompassing, all embracing love.”
What is next for the King of Kings to waste his omnipotent time? “OK guys, I promise I pinky swear, that I’m going to get back to watching you. But on my spare time, which might be now, or might be whenever-the-fuck-I-want o’clock. But next thing I’ll watch?  I might see what this extended Marvel Cinematic Universe has been up to while I’ve been gone. I don’t know what war Captain America has been fighting in, but goddamn I love me some Chris Evans. I’m definitely going to get back into a steady routine of watching over humanity. Just not right now. The seraphim have been bitching. There’s a lot on my holy and incomprehensibly powerful mind and sometimes a deity just wants to sit his ass down without a bunch of people going on and on about . I rested after six days of Creation and none of you bitches whined about it then.”
At press time The Holy Shepherd Of All of Mankind was yelling at the Virgin Mary to hurry up and fix the reception because Jimmy Fallon was on.
 

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