God Shares Keys to Success with Palestinian-American DJ

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God has finally shared the complicated and non-exact concept of success and power with a mortal. Khaled Mohamed Khaled AKA DJ Khaled has been given the keys to success by the almighty and benevolent ruler of the universe. 
“I just think the fat guys should win for once,” reported The One That Created the World in Six Days and Took a Seventh To Chill Out Deity-Style in an exclusive interview. “There’s something about an obese wannabe DJ who think he’s always winning that I felt bad about. I knew I should just give him the tools to ensure that he is infallible in all respects of his career and really his life. So, when he reached out to me through snapchat DM, I thought ‘fuck it, why not’.” The One Who Has Serious Regrets About Creating Snakes then reportedly wrote down “do Kegel exercises?” on a list peppered with various scribbled keys to success.
Mr. Khaled was unable to be interviewed, as he was too busy talking to his iPhone 6 on a hammock that was on the verge of breaking, so we talked to his personal chef, Chef Dee. “All he talks about are how ‘they’ don’t want him to do this”, she said as she prepared him his lunch of egg whites, chicken sausages, pork chops, nachos, a pound of wings and a baby gazelle, “I don’t even know who ‘they’ are, but I’m pretty sure he has some sort of schizophrenia.” 
“I feel so blessed and honoured right now. God has given me so many great things; Success, opportunities, money, egg whites, chicken sausage and water” Mr. Khaled reported in a press release given via SnapChat. “I am so thankful to be where I am now. They didn’t want me to succeed but little did they know I am both smart and loyal. I could not have done this without the help of Apple Ciroc. I am now going to go and join an amateur paintball tournament: major key to success.” YHWH, The One Above, was also visible in the background of the Snapchat, giving DJ Khaled a thumbs up while also sipping from a glass of Apple Ciroc. 
The latest news is that Mr.Khaled has planned to play it forward: sharing these keys to success through his popular snapchat stories. For more word on this story please consult every facebook meme that your friend shared for the past six months. 
 

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