Golda Meir’s Guide to Dealing with Social Anxiety

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So you’re an introvert. Who cares, it’s not a big deal! We’ve all been there: It’s a Saturday night and you’re stupid friend Derek (ugh, Derek) texts you. There’s a kegger in the ghetto and “you should totally come!” When you get there, it doesn’t take long for Derek (ugh, Derek) to completely disappear, leaving you alone, uncomfortable and downright verklempt in a stew of sweat and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I know, you want to disappear in the comforting glow of The Spongebob Squarepants Movie on your computer, but do not despair. Below are only a few tips and tricks to deal with social anxiety, even in the worst situations:

Studies have shown that smiling makes you happier and more confident, but don’t smile like that.

Chewing gum is a great way to relieve anxiety, anytime, anywhere! 17 pieces should work just fine.

Remind yourself that the world doesn’t revolve around you, it’s only falling beneath your feet.

Cannabis can help manage stress and anxiety, but smoking too much may hinder your ability to flee.

If a stranger tries to start a conversation, hissing is a completely natural way to show them you’d like to be left alone.

Staring at your shoes is fine. Staring at your hands is not.

When you see someone you know, don’t shy away. Cling on to them so that your comfort is their responsibility!

If you have something to say in a conversation, shining your phone flashlight on and off at other’s is a simple and effective way to let them know you’d like to speak.

Striking a “power pose” before going out has been proven to increase self-confidence but too much can lead to addiction. “Power pose” addiction is not something to joke about. At first it feels good, like you’re on top of the world, like you’re invincible… then it wears off twelve hours later and you’re in a dumpster outside of Vic with no shoes and one less liver because you needed the cash. You think you can stop, that it’s all under control, that you’re friends and family don’t know what they’re talking about, but none of that’s true. I’ve seen this shit. I’ve lived this shit. It changes you.

Don’t be afraid of trying new things. If someone offers you uppers, don’t be a downer! Just take it.

Good conversation starters include what you’re studying, where you’re from and how capitalism is the root of all evil.

Your fly is open.

Pretending that you’re looking for your keys is a solid excuse to crawl around on the ground and look upset.

Don’t worry about what other people are thinking about you. You should worry about other things, like communicable diseases or poverty.

You’re extensive knowledge of the science behind rechargeable batteries is interesting! Tell somebody, anybody.

If you’re caught in an uncomfortable conversation, pretending you’re being paged is a simple out.

Take deep breaths. Deep, like a black abyss, dark and endless. You’re falling further into the emptiness, the black envelopes your body. Further and further, deeper and deeper. There is no way out. There ya go, you’ve got the hang of it!

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