Golden Review: Chili (Dog) Fest


Chili Rating: 5/5
Dog Rating: Holy shit that’s a dog?!

No, I’m not talking about those phallic meaty solids inside a bun and topped with gooey meaty spicy goo. I’m talking about the gooey spicy goo on its own, plus dogs. Like the live animal on a leash.
The past Saturday was the 24th annual Chilifest happening at Confederation Park. At only $10 per person for student tickets, you get a small styrofoam bowl and your spoon at the ticket gate, and you’re all set to go collect as much chili as you can from the seventeen competing chili makers, including several restaurants and random organizations such as the firefighters and some financial groups, because anyone could make chili. Money raised in the chilifest goes to support the Hospice Kingston.
But I didn’t care too much about Hospice. I didn’t even care about the competition; all I wanted was unlimited food that all kinda sorta tastes the same but not really.
The weather was sunny and warm – almost bringing back the nostalgia surrounding the summer that is no longer. I arrived at the fest with ten dollars and an empty stomach.
To succeed at Chilifest, one must try every single type of chili served without skipping any, so the strategic way of trying them out is to have the lighter chilis first. I decided to try out those vegan pots of mystery. I’ve always wondered how to make chili without meat; after a general survey of the vegetarian competitors, I’ve learned that all you have to do is switch ground beef in your chili recipe with quinoa.
I have heard that eating vegan gives you superpowers, but all I ever gained from eating vegan chili was a massive craving for meat. One of the booths had prepared “chili” which consisted entirely of beef. It had no vegetables and hardly any sauce. Just bite after bite of beef. I felt like I was just eating a cow which made me feel like a cruel terrible human being because cows are living beings with families, dreams, feelings and families. And then I remembered that I eat beef like every day and that it always comes from a cow even if the piece of beef is now cow-sized. I finished eating my cow, saving the cowhide to make a leather jacket.
I still hadn’t found any real chili, so I trudged on. One of the booths was called “Fruitilicious” and advertised edible fruit creations. They must have been confused about what the actual festival was about. Their “chili” was chilly and was mostly fruit. Taking fruit salad and adding a weird yogurt/chili hybrid sauce doesn’t make it chili. It’s still fruit salad. This booth made me more disappointed and worried that chilifest wouldn’t be able to satisfy my insatiable craving for chili. I had heard that Tommy’s had over 100L of real chili prepared, so I headed over to their booth.
What greeted me was two 40-ounce bottles of Jack Daniel’s at the Tommy’s booth. “Lot’s of Jack Daniel’s in our chili; it’s Tennessee style!” said the server. Intrigued, I took a bite of the chili served to me. Wow! A wave of pure euphoria hit me as I realize that chili doesn’t have to only taste like tomato sauce, it can also taste like Jack.
And with that bite, I was drunk. Well, I don’t know if I really was drunk, but I did see a dragon. I decided to stay away from the dragon and went to search for spicier chili. My only chance against this dragon was if my breath was hotter than its. Most of the chil makers didn’t tell me a spice rating. One of them said 3 out of 10. I ate three bowls, hoping to get 9 out of 10 hotness. Apparently spiciness doesn’t add like that and the not-at-all-spicy chili did more harm than good as i was starting to feel chilly.
Then I discovered the firefighters. Maybe they could help with the dragon. After all, dragons are responsible for most house fires, and the firefighters seem to be able to deal with those. I asked the firefighters if they could fight a dragon. They told me I was drunk and needed some chili to sober me up. They asked if I wanted the “False Alarm, Family Friendly Chili” or “Fire Alarm, Hot N Spicy”. I got the Fire Alarm, hoping that the fire alarm would attract the attention of real firefighters who actually fight dragons instead of just making chilli. It didn’t. But the chili was really fucking hot! So hot I couldn’t even tell if it was spicy. Armed with my hot chili, I decided it was now or never. I had to face the dragon.
Flaming chili in hand, I charged at the dragon. I could hear it growling from across the lot. How had the city of Kingston not done anything about this yet? This was definitely a public safety hazard, and the dragon could easily destroy the bouncy castle, killing thousands of face-painted children, or at least their happiness. I would be the hero the city of Kingston needed and vanquish this dragon. I let out a battle cry as I approached the dragon and covered with several kilograms of flaming chili.
That was when I realized that the dragon was actually just a logo on a truck from the Kingston Brewing Company. I had made a huge mistake. I began ravenously devouring the chili off the truck, undoing my damage before anyone had a chance to notice and remove me from the premises. Thankfully no one had noticed that I had made this mess, and a man from the Brew Pub thanked me for helping clean up, saying that I had saved his business. I guess I was still a hero in some way. Strange.
The only explanation was that this chilifest was actually a video game and I was hero adventurer who had just completed a quest. I asked the man for a reward and he gave me chili. Couldn’t they think of a better reward? Like I had literally just eaten all the chili I could want for the day year, and they give me more. Probably just lazy game developers reusing content to get their newest quest out on schedule. I considered rage quiting this shitty excuse for a video game, when I had an epiphany.
Chili dogs.
I could use this chili with a hot dog and create a new type of food. Maybe it was the ultimate food with maximum healing, which would help me destroy the real dragon. The Brew Pub truck must have just been preparation giving me the necessary chili to make the ultimate chili dog I would need on my next quest. I began searching for a hot dog. I quickly found a stand selling hot dogs for $4. That was bullshit! I had already paid to get in and my food should have been free! There must be a cheat code I could use to generate free hot dogs. I started spamming “hot dog” in the chat window.
hot dog hot dog hot dog hot dog hot dog hot dog hot dog hot dog hot dog
This cheat code worked. Sort of. Every time I typed hot dog, a new one appeared. But not the food type of hot dog, but literally pet dogs that were hot. And by hot I mean, like fabulously sexy. Sexy dogs with perfectly sculpted muscles. Some were even completely hairless, save for a tiny patch of fur around their paws for slight modesty but also enhanced sex appeal. There was a blue-eyed dog with incredibly soft fur, luscious lips, and sparkling white teeth. I started getting slightly aroused until I realized that these are dogs and I don’t actually find dogs sexually attractive. These dogs, on the other hand, were sexually attracted to each other. These dogs were really horny. Rather than greeting eachother with a friendly “Woof” or “Arf”, the dogs would just immediately resort to smelling and licking each others’ assholes. What a utopia these animals live in where anilingus is not only accepted, but also expected. If only humans could do the same.
After a short while, this congregation of pretty dogs naturally organized itself into a dog show. I was given a styrofoam bowl full of dog food and a sheet detailing when each dog would be performing and what each dog’s name was. I was also instructed that I had to watch all 17 dogs’ performances and vote for my favourite. This dog show was a lot of work and they didn’t even give me food!
The first dog was extremely tall and skinny and had the smallest head of any dog I had ever seen! It almost looked like a pony, and with how horny these dogs are I wouldn’t be surprised if one had fucked a pony and made this abomination. Anyways, the pony-dog didn’t actually do any dog tricks and couldn’t be ridden like a pony, so it was pretty useless. Next there was a small dog that could jump through an even smaller hoop, and go through various obstacles. Each time the dog made a lap of the course, the hoop got smaller, yet the dog was still able to jump through the hoop. The dog must have been getting smaller too, because eventually it was very small and hard to see and then got eaten by a seagull. This dog show was really fucked up. One of the dogs played a flute and beatboxed. One of the dogs made delicious chili. They told me this chili didn’t contain dog meat, but I was skeptical.
As I was eating the dog show chili, I remembered that this wasn’t a video game or a dog show, and was actually chilifest. The dog show must have just been advertising hype for one company’s chili. This chili making dog was the ultimate chili dog. I voted for it and left the chilifest, not wanting to eat chili again until next year’s chilifest.