Golden Reviews: Movies


Rating – ⅘ stars
Audience rating: Holy shit, moving images!
So, recently, I came across motion pictures, or “movies” as they are colloquially known. “Hang on,” you may be asking. “How can you have lived 20 years and never seen a movie?!” Simply put, I was simply raised in an environment free from what my parents called this “corrupting medium”. My childhood and adolescence were filled with literature, theatre, painting and sculpture. While there can be some downsides to this type of sheltered upbringing, it has a lot of advantages. First of all I can read like a motherfucker. Like, while you are only seeing this single sentence, I can see five. That’s where the word ‘subtext’ comes from – there are various levels of text buried underneath that only the keenest of readers can pick out. As well, while all the other parents in the neighbourhood would never let their kids view pornography, I was given full access to the works of the greatest perverts of all time: Michaelangelo, DaVinci, Raphael – those guys knew how to paint a vagina.
But, since I’m now in my third year of university, a place of experimentation and finding yourself, I decided to take a leap of faith and watch a movie. But where do I start? From what I hear, for most people, the first movies they see are children’s movies. However, none of the so-called ‘films’ on kids Netflix appealed to me at all. Like, I already know how to count and the letters of the alphabet, as well as how to deal with a friend who brings a gun to kindergarten (childhood is different now), so I decided to look into more adult titles.
However, when I looked up ‘adult movies’ I was presented with an array of porography. Now, don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy porography. I was just a little uneasy with having my first moving-pictures experience be that of terrible acting followed by 25-70 minutes of boning. Plus, I don’t even know if I would be able to handle seeing moving, true to life pornography. Like, I might get nauseous from the continuous motion, or simply explode from the rapidly boiling sexual energy coming from the screen. So, I decided to look elsewhere.
*Update – I have since watched many an adult film. Neither of the formerly mentioned scenarios occurred*
I next researched movies that were considered to be ‘classics’ or ‘the greatest of all time’. “Citizen Kane”, “Casablanca”, “The Godfather”, “2001: A Space Odyssey” – all great movies, I’m sure, but these stories I just couldn’t relate to. “A son’s unlikely rise to the top of a mafia family”; “An epic search for the meaning of human existence across the universe”; “An eccentric Miami Pet Detective hunts for a missing dolphin”. Those stories were not like my life at all. And some of them were even in black and white! So, what, we’re just supposed to believe that the world of this movie is devoid of colour? For shame, Hollywood.
So I decided to ask my friends which movies they recently saw that were good. A couple suggested “22 Jump Street” which, even though it was a sequel to “21 Jump Street”, which was an adaption of an 80s TV show, which was based on a novel by Franz Kafka, which was…Sorry, got distracted there – anyway, it was a comedy and laughter is a universal language. Or whatever.
I decided to watch it alone, just in case I got an aneurism from the sudden stimulus of these moving images – that would be super embarrassing. I loaded it up on my laptop, turned the lights off, and pressed play.
FUCKIN SHITBALLS, THAT WAS A RIDE OF A LIFETIME!!! Not the story – I actually didn’t pay attention, because I was so fascinated by what I was witnessing. The fact that it was a bajillion images being shown in rapid succession to create the illusion of movement was absolutely blowing my mind. They moved at 24 frames PER SECOND. That’s nuts. And there was sound too! Lots of sounds. Sometimes the sounds were talking and they matched the lips of the actors on screen speaking them, and sometimes it was music that accented the mood of the scene. Fuckin eh!
I can really see now why this is a multi-billion dollar industry. Personally, I’d line up every day to see a movie in a theatre, which I’ve been told is something that around 5-6 people do now. But movie tickets go for like 20 bucks or something, and when you cut out the meaningful dialogue and replace it with explosions, countries like China and Russia eat it up. I never really paid attention to the dialogue anyway – I was far too fascinated by what I was being shown. Is this what it’s like to be on an airplane? Or eat rice? If it is, then I’m gonna grab a box of Uncle Bens and get ready for an explosion of colour and movement the likes of which I’ve never seen before.
I think I may be on mushrooms.
Naked Mole Rat