Spoiler alert: somebody ripped a spoiler off a car
After two back to back [ED’s Note: Stop making Drake References] street parties on University Avenue (thank God it’s not University Street or this article would sound silly), Golden Words has decided to write a review, and chosen someone perfectly qualified to write this due to my having not actually been at either. This review will cover a few different aspects to come up with the final rating.
Cars: Cars had an exceptionally bad time at the street party, with some reporting physical bullying, and booby traps that instead of containing boobies, only contained glass for their tires. A police car was reportedly bottled across the hood.
“It’s not the physical impact that hits hardest,” said the police car, “it’s the thought that counts. I was just trying to do my job and keep everybody safe.”
For unexpecting vehicles, the danger went from 0 to 100 real quick. [Ed’s Note: You’re not Drake and you’re not cool] Rating of University Ave street party for cars: 1 out of 5.
Hype: Considering that it was the first time for many underaged individuals to drink with a gleeful lack of consequences in the middle of the street and thumb their noses at THE MAN, the party was a pretty novel experience. While normally we would wait till St. Patrick’s Day or Homecoming to seriously disappoint Principal Woolf, it was probably unavoidable given the perpetually dull ArtSci Frosh week, the newly shitty Commerce Frosh week, and exceptionally unnoteworthy Highland Games.
These factors considered, the student ghetto (#UniversityGhetto, #GhettoNotDistrict) did what needed to be done to save the reputation of Queen’s University as a fun place to put yourself $50,000+ in debt.
Even if, in the end, it was largely just a bunch of people standing around the street talking, the novelty and fun factor meant that shit got hot up in the mix. [ED’s Note: I’m seriously going to murder you one day] Rating for Hype: 4 out of 5.
Ratio: Unknown, it’s impossible to accurately determine the gender-identification of approximately 2,000 students. Rating: Ignored.
Size: 2,000 is a lot of kids. Dope. Rating: 5 out of 5.
Overall rating: All these factors considered, including the damage and the presence of illegal activities – which added and subtracted points, because really the only dumb thing about underage drinking is the legal drinking age (#Ontario’sShittyAlcoholRegulations, #StopTheMonopoly) – the party rates a 4 out of 5 stars. Next time let’s avoid the whole fucking up cars and throwing bottles thing and we’ll be running through the 6(13) with no throws. [Ed’s Note: That’s it, you’re officially on probation]