Golden Words Acclaims CBW as Unattractive, Square

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Following the acclamation of team CBW as the next AMS executive – due to the fact that no other team could register in time – Golden Words would like to declare CBW and its members – Kanivanan Chinniah, Catherine Wright, and Kyle Beaudry as extremely unattractive and very un-cool.

Reports coming from CBW headquarters have indicated that the average-looking squares on the team were ecstatic at the acclamation. President Chinnah, a guy who should get a normal haircut said “Though we are not able to run a traditional election campaign, we are more than ready to step up to the plate and start bringing our ideas to life.”

“Not that you have any clue what our ideas actually are” he added.

We at the Golden Word’s student politics panel have crunched the data and determined that, historically, the winning AMS team has averaged out to be a 6.4 on the 10-point attractiveness scale. This data began to be compiled in 1993, mostly as the result of a drinking game. However, the data can only be considered accurate post-1999, when the panel was expanded to include more than one guy, and also mandated that there be a female opinion on the team.

Attractiveness peaked in 2008-09, in which winning team, RWS was generally considered by the Queen’s population to be the most alluring selection of the student body possible, recording an attractiveness quotient of 9.2. This year’s team, however, was universally decreed by our panel to be the most repugnant and uptight group in the survey’s history, with a 4.1.

This leaves many analysts puzzled as to why a university community such as Queen’s – which due to various factors such as boasting a generally wealthier segment of the population, which leads to better healthcare and nutrition – would produce an at-best average team of representatives. Statistician Marcel DuPont told us that “what I can see here is a backlash against the bodily-privileged as the student community seeks to find a more uninteresting group to lead them”.

This team of squares will assume the AMS leadership in a few weeks time and it is the opinion of this panel that they will implement their secret agenda of policies as blasé as their appearance. Many students were outraged at the lack of a vote to determine the AMS executive. “Frankly it seems a bit fascist to not allow students to elect their leaders, especially for a team as superficially unappealing as these guys” said Stephen Brunch, Sci 15.

At press time, Golden Words has been unable to contact these rubes to request an interview, presumably because we’re just too damn attractive for the likes of them.

 

 

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