Golden Words Crash Course on Crashing Courses


We get it: everyone loves school-stuff. Lectures, tutorials, labs, y’all can’t get enough of random course stuff. Class is like really cool and stuff… Ok, yeah, can’t keep that up for much longer. Let’s cut the crap, you’ve got a schedule more messed up than the Kennedy’s lobotomy and you’ve got to act fast before people start recognizing your face. Your professor speaks as coherently as a I do after a night alone at Stages, so how do you start squatting in on better lectures? I introduce to you the Golden Words Crash Course on Crashing Courses.

Lesson 1: Scope out the hotties
When choosing which lectures to jump to, you’ve got to prioritize. Only lecture halls with an average attractiveness of 7 and up are worth it (redheads get a +1 on their score, don’t judge). Everyone says you meet your future significant other at uni, might as well speed up that process and “creep until you meet”. Just don’t do something weird, like stare at someone for more than 25 minutes. Been there, doesn’t work.

Lesson 2: Keep your friends close… but your enemies closer
A lot of people think you should go straight for the chills, finding classes with your friends so you don’t have to play 2-player Bubble Trouble by yourself. What most people don’t realize is that crashing courses is a great opportunity not just for eating Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia straight from the tub with you BFF, but also sweet, sweet revenge. Psychologically crush your enemies by tapping them on the wrong shoulder, totally psyching them out and destroying their self esteem. Or better yet, slip flintstones vitamins in their morning drink so they develop a dependency, then stop right before exams to screw them over.

Lesson 3: Don’t go chasing waterfalls
You can’t always get what you want (unless you’re like super rich) so when picking lectures to drop in to, don’t get greedy. If you try getting into too many fun lectures, you may end up going to even more class than you’re enrolled in! It’s a common mistake – getting too trigger happy with this new found freedom. There’s a quick fix- start skipping other, less important class like calculus or breakfast.

Lesson 4: Shake things up!
Getting bored of your new schedule can really take a toll. Having already scoped out new time slots, falling it a routine can be tough. Try making it a game out of it, like staying in a single lecture hall for an entire day, or following one random person’s schedule for a whole day. My best day of classes consisted of going to courses that started with the letter H.

Lesson 5: Stay focused… or like don’t, I’m not your mom.
Something I’ve heard from my friends, siblings, parents, professors, mailman, rabbi, barber and pet fish is that if you’re going to crash courses, you’ve got to make sure you keep up on your studies. That’s really just a suggestion though, it’s no big deal. Depending on your degree you’re either guaranteed a job regardless of your marks or you’re going to need at least three more degrees to be considered for an interview. So like don’t even trip man, keep crashing courses, you’re golden. Stick to weed and diet Dr. Pepper, life’s pretty great.