Golden Words DIY: Build Your Own House


Have you noticed the ghetto has been getting a little more ghetto-y lately? Cool, me too. Maybe it’s just that the class of 2018 is a shittier group of tenants, or maybe it’s all the the new houses being constructed that make all the others look worse. Either way, somehow your rent keeps going up. 
But what if there was a way out? What if you could still live in a house, but skip the middle man of a landlord? Well, unless you’re some kind of idiot who doesn’t read titles, you know what I’m getting at here: time to build your own house. 
The first place to start is to find a suitable lot for your new house. This can be tricky as Kingston doesn’t have a lot of space close to campus. I would suggest the lot at University and William where Freddies Grocery used to be. If you don’t remember Freddies, all the better, it was sketch as fuck.  
Next you need to assemble your team. Though this article is titled “GW DIY” – the “yourself” is plural. C’mon, you seriously think you can build a house yourself? YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME FOOL?! No, you need a kickass team of trusted professionals. Or, you know, whoever is in your immediate vicinity at this point. Despite your best instincts, it is best to have a Civil kid on your team. Surprisingly, keeping your new home stable is one of the keys to the success. Just try and keep them from using concrete all the fucking time. That was the logic behind Jeffery Hall and look how that turned out.
In addition to the nerds, you need some bros. If you’re a girl, you need some girl bros. You know the ones. It will make this project a lot more enjoyable to work on. Then round out the crew with someone who has approximately $200,000 lying around. Just put up a flyer in Goodes Hall for an “exciting real estate investment opportunity” and watch the resumes come flooding in. It’s a win win – you get a financial backer, Kingston gets a new slum lord. 
Ok, time to get to work. First, you’ll need to dig a foundation. This is an important step, as it will determine whether or not you have a creepy ghetto murder basement, or a slightly less creepy regular murder basement. Just make sure those civil kids don’t fill the whole thing in with concrete. Or, worse, concrete and rebar. I don’t give a shit if it equals 0, go tell them to hook up the water and sewage so they can get a glimpse of their future.
Oh right, shit, have some blueprints. Don’t forget that. Hopefully you aren’t reading this as you’re going along. 
Usually, cities like Kingston have building height regulations, so be sure to consult them before building a 69-story super-tower. You know, to show people just how big your penis is and how secure you are about it. But just because your house has to be three stories or less, doesn’t mean you can’t make it look fresh as fuck. 
And remember to be original – the ghetto is already full of houses that are all-white paint. There’s a whole visible spectrum out there just waiting to be utilized! Or, better yet, go with no walls. I believe this is referred to as “open-concept”, which I think goes hand -in-hand with “open minds” and “closed eyes” because you’re about to get an eye-full of your roommates having sex or going to the bathroom (or, if they’re really adventurous, both of those things at the same time). 
The whole project should take about 4-6 weeks, depending on how you divide up the labour and how many times you have to completely start over because the structure collapsed. Because don’t forget: you’re university students: you have no idea how to do shit practically. So just give it your best shot.