Hey there guys! Welcome back to school! By the time of this article’s publication, you will have had a couple of your first classes and things will be back to normal. On your way from class to class you’ll probably run into people you know. But not like people you actually know, but people who you sorta know. Like your friend’s high school prom date or Thin Vinny from the discotheque. When this happens you can’t actually talk about substantive things or get to know each other, because that would take effort and we know that although Vinny is thin, he’s pretty thick-headed. Instead, you can talk about pre-set conversation pieces. Everyone knows that they’re not very genuine but we’re not in the market of being honest people. Goal here is to gain slightly more social capital so that you can get more LinkedIn connections.
How was your summer?
It’s so classico you could put this on top of spaghetti. They should have about 4 months of material to talk about, and even if their summer was spent working their way through Ken Burns’ 18.5 hour baseball documentary and crysturbating, they probably have something else to talk about. Plus, since you didn’t spend any time with them back in Toronto, you can lie! Pretty neat, huh. This conversation piece expires in 2 weeks.
How was exchange?
NOTE: This only works if they went on exchange. Even still, you can hear about how they travelled to INSERT ONE OR MORE OF DUBLIN/SANTORINI/PARIS/AMSTERDAM. Who will know that they changed unless you ask them?
The Ale line was too long last night so we went to Stages.
Complaining about the Ale line is a surefire way to find something in common with someone. The experience of darts and girls yelling for Sarah is pretty hard to forget, and you can go over how Stages was actually pretty good and how Bubba’s poutine is better than Smoke’s.
I hate frosh.
Especially useful after Frosh Week since frosh think that they’re real people. Guess what – taking a selfie with a cop car isn’t that cool. Try taking a selfie with one of the RMC fighter jets mid-air like a scene from Spider-man: Homecoming.
Why are you crying in the bathroom?
Being real with people can go a long way. TBH if they’re near passed out from cry exhaustion in a pool of literally every fluid and a few solids, you can grab a few back and forths.