We’ve all been there: it’s a Saturday night, you’re out with the guys and some chick is grinding you up like a chicken mcnugget factory. It’s getting hot and steamy (imagine a third world sweatshop) and you’re ready to get you some action. One problem: you forgot a condom.
Fuck. You want to plant your flag, not your seed, and you need a solution quick. All your friends are already getting some, and you’re on your own with some chick that could probably pop out a baby faster than you can say “Woah, you popped out that baby really fast.”
So what is a guy to do? You’re racking up your alcohol filled brain for the “Aha moment” Oprah always talked about… Oh my god. You’ve got it. It’s a quick, easy and 100% effective contraceptive. No, not abstinence, that’s complete bullshit.
That’s right! A vasectomy!
There’s no time to go to some fancy schmancy certified medical professional. You’ve got to do this yourself. Here’s Golden Word’s Guide to a DIY Vasectomy:
What You Need:
-3 litres of fireball whiskey
-6 tablespoons of glitter
1. With you most gentleman like voice, excuse yourself to the bathroom
2. Grab your fireball whiskey and drink until your hand stops shaking. The rest of it will be for cleaning wounds or alcohol poisoning, depending on how you feel afterwards.
3. Think about what YOU think a vasectomy is, it’s important to have self confidence
4. Using your index and middle finger, press the soft spot between your thing and thingies, feeling for a small ridge. This is your vas deferens, AKA the sperm blaster. Mark the spot with a dull pencil.
5.You’ve prepared yourself, now comes time to get into it. Try to maintain as much girth and length, but feel free to reshape your buddy into fun shapes or images, like a dinosaur or Mark Ruffalo’s hands. When it comes to a good vasectomy, be yourself! The sky’s the limit! A big rule of thumb is “cover all your bases”: cut as many tubes as possible so that you can be sure you’re practicing safe sex.
6. Make it up and make it you! The most important thing here is to have fun. Get creative, get in there deep, believe in yourself.
5. Release all your pain and agony via spoken word poetry
6.Clean up the blood. Also note that blood loss is a problem for future you, nothing to worry about now.
Now comes the fun part: intercourse! Get at ‘em kid! You go grab that special friend and do sex!
Disclaimer: This guide is totally a substitute for professional medical advice. If you don’t have a scalpel, garden shears are a popular option (the rustier the better!). On the off chance that pregnancy does occur, you’re fucked man.