This past week many important things happened: iron rings were handed out; Joe, Sci ‘18 Geo major, just got laid for the first time; and St. Paddy’s Day happened (in case you forgot, you drunk). Another important thing was the takeover of Golden Words by our new overlords, Chris, Sydney, Veronica, and Sam. This new Executive, CSiS for short (the “i” stands for “Veron-i-ca.” We don’t really know what she does, but she exists), have decided that the paper is not up to snuff, and thus have instituted the following overhauls, in hopes that we don’t lose our title as “Canada’s Other National Newspaper” to the Journal (God forbid).
First off, CSiS has noted that Pressnite starts at 12pm, which is very clearly afternoon and not “nite.” In fact, it isn’t even afternoon, it is noon. And if noon is not afternoon, then it must be morning. Morning people rise with the sun. Why? Because God loves the sun. That’s right, all morning people are bloody angelic arseholes. Therefore Pressnite has been changed to start at the more appropriate time of 6:66pm.
Secondly, the writers are crap. Like take me for example, I’ve eaten like $10 worth of pizza, and I’ve only written for about 5 minutes. That’s like $120 bucks an hour, which is enough for a really good massage. Therefore CSiS has decided to get rid of 4 engineering staff writers and replace them with other faculty students, who will be willing to work for the job experience. The money saved on pizza will allow CSiS to de-stress after a long Pressnite and before they have their monday morning meeting with their creditors.
Thirdly, Golden Words is in debt. Or was. Instead of just letting those four staffers leave, CSiS decided to lock them up and suck the souls completely out of them (it wasn’t hard, they just subjected them to club music 24/7 for about 3 weeks) and then sold those excess souls to the Devil. CSiS was praised by the remaining staff for finding such an economical way to save the paper.
Fourthly, the building sucks. Clark Hall was made 40 years ago, and it looks like it. CSiS has decided that spending a bit of time actually tidying up is way too much effort, so they have decided that the easiest thing to do is steal some TNT from the miners and blow the thing sky-high. Taking after the success of concrete canoe, they will be selling tickets to the event: $5 will get you a seat on the ground, $10 and you can watch from the top of Miller, and $50 and you can help push the blowing-uppy-thingee. All proceeds will go towards renting space in Goodes.
Finally, CSiS has re-routed the rest of the food budget. Some of the staffers are frosh and Gaels, so they already have free meals. The rest are a bunch of losers who don’t deserve to eat anyway. Instead, CSiS will enjoy a full, five-course meal of fine steaks, caviar, and gold-flaked prairie oysters. The food will be gotten at great discount by the extortion of local farmers and mermaids, and the money saved will be used to fund a bi-weekly trip to SPECTRE int. board meetings, where they will confer with Number 1 about the success of the paper.
We at Golden Words celebrate the achievements of the past few weeks, and praise the new executive for all the wealth and joy that they continue to bring us.