Hook-up Potential: 10 blowjobs/10
Relationship Potential: 0 boyfriends/1
Sketchiness factor: 3 Dark alleys/5
A few weeks ago, I downloaded Grindr out of a burning desire for gay sex curiosity. I was expecting something like Tinder, but boy was I surprised to see what I discovered!
I got on Grindr with a fresh profile. No picture. No name. No bio. No shame. I literally just installed the app and did nothing. Right away the offers started rolling in: “Can I suck you?”, “Hey want a blow job?”, “I’m so horny. Want your cock now”. Every few seconds there would be a new one. It felt like there were hundreds of people wanting to blow me! This is any straight guy’s paradise! Just blow job offer after blow job offer. And no need to even reciprocate!
As I got more experienced with Grindr, I threw up a sexy photo, and the offers just kept pouring in. Pretty soon it became pretty commonplace for a random stranger to offer me anal sex. At first I was pretty grossed out by the idea of anal sex: that’s where poop comes from. But then when I thought about vaginal sex, I realized that’s where babies come from! And I’d much rather stick my dick in shit than in a baby. So I kept shamelessly grinding.
Through my time on Grindr, I discovered some types of guys again and again:
The closet case: These guys call themselves discreet, can never host, and if they have a photo it’s just of their torso. Some of them are so deep in the closet that they literally want to have sex in their bedroom closet instead of in their bed. In real life, these guys are all around you: in your class, living in your house, writing your newspaper, or running your student government. They’re everywhere.
The jock: Another case of a guy with just a torso pic. But these guys have nice abs! And nice pecs! And nice arms! These guys spend all day at the gym. Not because they like working out, but just cause they like creeping the guys there.
The old guy: This guy is over 45 and proud of it! He probably has a smiling face picture and a name like “Dad4fun” despite the sad irony that he probably has no son as he’s gay and too old to have been legally able to adopt when he was in his 20s.
The relationship oriented guy: This guy wants to settle down. He’s had his fun and wants a boyfriend, kids, and a white picket fence. He’ll even go as far as to say in his profile that he’s not here to hook-up. Don’t be fooled though, if you offer to fuck this guy, just like everyone else, he’ll soon be begging for you to come over. Just beware: these guys have been known to fake a pregnancy to trap you into marrying them.
I wasn’t interested in any of these stereotypical guys, but I was desperate. I hadn’t a blow job ever in a few weeks and Tinder wasn’t providing me with any women offering to do it. In my desperation, I agreed to meet up with a guy who wanted to suck me off, and didn’t want anything in return. I went over there, and as soon as he touched me, I felt pure bliss. I was somehow really turned on by this strange man touching me penis, and soon I was also touching his. Before I knew it, I was legit having sex with a man and I was loving it! My whole body felt amazing and I didn’t want it to end. Unfortunately, it did eventually end and I left.
As I was walking home, I decided I wanted more. I went back on Grindr and found another guy, met up with him, had mind-blowing sex, but on my way home I still wanted more! So I went back on Grindr, and then met up with with a guy, and then went back on Grindr, and then met up with a guy, and this went on and on for several days. I was completely dick drunk and kept finding more and more dicks.
This went on for several days until I woke up several days over in what can only be described as the worst bang over of my life. I had neglected everything. All of my assignments were late. My dishes had turned into a swarm of fruit flies that threatened to take over my house. My housemates hated me and were threatening to kick me out of the house. And I didn’t even care. I had had the best sex of my life, and I realized that I could have any more whenever I wanted.
This app changed my life! If you’re gay, well then you already have it. If you’re straight you should get it. Don’t give me any of this “But I only like women” bullshit – that’s sexist! Get your ass out there and have some fabulous sex!