Golden Words Throws Keg Race By Themselves


5 Dead and 3 in Critical Condition

After repeated attempts to invite the Journal (Golden Words’ only friend), to a keg race, the paper’s staff ended up throwing a keg race all by themselves. Without an opponent to race against, Golden Words started their kegger on Friday and the final member collapsed from exhaustion Sunday at 3:00am. For the past two weeks, the Golden Words staff was expectantly waiting for the Journal to accept their gracious invitation, 8 kegs waiting in the wings. After two weeks and many tears, Golden Words, like a small child who had no one show up to their birthday party, decided to drink the tears away. “We don’t need the Journal to have fun, we’re a strong independent newspaper and we can drink by ourselves.”
Unfortunately Golden Words only has 6 permanent staffers and therefore had 1.33 kegs to drink each. Golden Words, makeup smeared down their faces and tears in their eyes stated, “I’m not fucking drunk, I can fucking do whatever I want, stop fucking touching me.” Golden Words was also seen making obvious drunk facebook statuses about the Journal stating “I dnt need u in my lyfe to havve funn, u dnt knw wht the fck ur myssing”. The Journal reports that Golden Words sent them 32 texts and left 5 voicemails. “I was just busy and didn’t have time to respond to their message right away,” the Journal stated, “I would have responded, I just had a lot of homework this past week and my intramurals have kept me really booked.”
Several of the voicemails were reportedly just weeping into the phone intermixed with the sounds of vomiting and people attempting to take away the phone from them. One of the voicemails was Golden Words screaming at the Journal saying how much they hated them while another one was just Golden Words begging the Journal to take them back saying, “We still love you and totally didn’t mean it when we made out with The Tartan and gave The Gazette a blowjob at that party one time.” When all was said and done, five of Golden Words staffers had choked to death on their own vomit and sadness and another three tried to overdose on multivitamins and had passed out and peed themselves. Golden Words has shown an extreme improvement now that the staff has been replaced by untrained monkeys.
In total only 1 keg was finished.