Queen’s is well known to be the only university on planet Earth. However, since more and more planets are being discovered in the Goldilocks zone, we need to prepare for inter-galactic competition. Golden Words has taken it upon ourselves to prepare all students for the inevitable battle with another world by offering a number of courses and workshops next year. If you value your tricolour hats, mitts, towels, bedsheets, cookies, and condoms (coming soon to SHRC), make sure to sign up on SOLUS this summer, or risk having to wear the horrid colours of silver and purple, which are rumoured to be those of the most lowly and despicable hoards of partial-humans out there.
Not all of the courses have actually been thought through yet, since it’s starting to get nice outside, and we would rather just write the syllabus later. But here is a taster of some of our offerings. In GDWD 161 F, students will learn how to draw various alien species, without using any writing utensils whatsoever. Students will be expected to draw perfect rectangles using only a protractor, and use overly complex software to model alien furniture, which looks like nothing practical whatsoever. Upon completion of the course, participants will be able to see the hidden lines behind clothing, allowing them to detect weapons on the bodies of aliens. (We are still working on what happens when one encounters an alien grandmother…)
GDWD 100 F/W will offer a unique experience on real-world alien fighting. In module 1, students will be asked to fight real-looking alien dolls in a padded room, but they won’t be told what room it’s in. Also, they will have to decide if the padding is really a good idea or not. Module 2 will teach basic defenses and attacks, like punching, kicking, screaming, and crying in the fetal position. These are designed to help choose which battalion of alien fighters each student should be a part of. In addition, every student will be expected to submit 20-page reports on each lesson, including at least 7 diagrams of the different final positions, with proper formatting. The final module is offered in the winter term. We still don’t know what to expect from it yet. Upon completion of the course, participants will have the proper experience to be able to do absolutely jack-shit.
GDWD 101 F: This is a bird course. Students will be taught how to tell if a duck is a duck, how to play golf well enough to get below par, and how to tell if the aliens are going to attack by observing the flight paths of the canadian geese and pigeons on campus. Advance students will be able to ponder “which came first, the chicken or the Frosh?” whereas delinquent students will be given the opportunity to experience what it is really like to be “dead as a dodo.” The optional second part to the course is GDWD 102 W. Here, we will focus mainly on the birds and the bees, like how to tell if an alien is trying to seduce you and what to do in that terrible situation to keep important Queen’s secrets safe. They will never find out where we keep the recipe to turbo! Once finished this combination, students should be able to withstand cafe food by eating cold turkey.
We also hope to offer courses in fluids, with topics such how much beer and liquor need be consumed before entering into alien territory and basic first gator-aid upon return from the front. At this point, our ideas are still stuck in the ice.