Have you been unfairly affected by the recent bust of the Queen’s underground online exotic animal trade on Free & For Sale? No need to worry, Golden Words is here for all of your pet disposal needs. We now take classified ads for all of your unwanted animals, as well as ads for those looking to purchase. Submit all posts to email@example.com.
Check out this week’s crop of animals for sale:
Stupid Fish, $10
14 Betta fish (4 red, 6 blue, 1 purple, 1 tricolour, 2 plaid). Might already be dead, I literally cannot tell. You can feed them regular fish food but I’m still not convinced they actually need to eat.
Amazon Crocodile, $14,000
URGENT: NEED GONE BY THE END OF THE YEAR OR ELSE
A beautiful creature! Bought her online last month as I thought she would be a great addition to my house’s bathtub. For the most part she’s been great – a real good cuddler, and nice quiet company. However, since I’ve had her, my housemates have started disappearing. Now I’m the only one left in the house and I can no longer afford to pay the rent. I have to move into a one bedroom place and my new landlord doesn’t allow pets.
I’ve been trying to sell her for a few weeks now and haven’t gotten any offers. I don’t know why, this is a lovely pet. I also haven’t figured out what crocodiles eat. I haven’t fed this one in weeks, and frankly it’s a miracle that she’s still alive. What a magical, mysterious creature.
Three Blind Mice, $35
Or at least I think there are three. I’m blind too. I’ll never know for sure.
Pet Rock, $60
I bought him when I moved into a house this year, and I thought that I could handle the responsibility. It turns out I am overwhelmed by the amount of the amount of love and care that a pet of this kind requires. He deserves far better than what I can give him.
Litterbox included in price.
Neighbour’s Cat, $40
He wandered onto my property last night and I just don’t want him here anymore. I wasn’t sure how else to get rid of him, so I really hope this ad works. Please someone buy him ASAP!
Crocodile Boots, $14,000
Size 7, brand new. REAL AMAZON CROC!!! ILLEGAL IN 36 COUNTRIES!! GET THEM WHILE YOU CAN!!
Wait, this isn’t Clothing Exchange?
**ALMOST LIKE A REAL DOG**
21y/o, brown hair, brown eyes, basically a lab. Tricks include rolling over, playing dead, shaking paws, fucking your housemate and then dumping you over text. Not entirely housebroken but cums when called.
Squirrel (Black), $29.99
Found him in my trash can in first year, moving back home and I’m afraid he won’t get along with my mom. Would make a great addition to the ambience of your own trash can, you’ll love the scratching noises and how he tosses the garbage all over the lawn.
Golden Retriever Puppy, $0.01
I FUCKING HATE THIS ANIMAL, UGLIEST FUCKING DOG I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I THINK THE EARS ARE DEFECTIVE, THEY FLOP OVER INSTEAD OF STANDING UP STRAIGHT, THEY ARE MISSING THE BONES OR SOMETHING. FUR IS SO SOFT AND SLIPPERY I CANNOT EVEN PICK HIM UP TO PLACE HIM WITH THE TRASH AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. ONLY BARKS, CANNOT TALK, I HAVE NEVER BEEN AROUND A MORE IDIOTIC ANIMAL. SO USELESS CANNOT EVEN TAKE HIMSELF FOR A WALK. I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY FOOD FOR THIS DOG BUT APPARENTLY FEEDING HIM IS “NOT OPTIONAL.” SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE THIS OFF MY HANDS!!
Golden Words is also buying!
SEXY HORSE, male or female, name your price!
Looking for the sexiest fucking horse you can find. I need a horse with eyes that say “fuck me”, and a mouth that says “fuck me”, and… you get the idea. I really need to fuck a horse. My wife Mildreth and I promise we’ll be the best sexual partners it has ever had – we have experience with pleasuring horses. Our previous horse, Snowflame, was probably aroused 24/7. Like literally he was hard every hour of the fucking day, and we were always happy to oblige him 😉 Hit me up with an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.