In the aftermath of the Justin Beiber Disaster two weeks ago, we at Golden Words released a light-hearted parody on the cover depicting a second Beiber night that was full of chaos and riots. It was a hoot. However, we did not realize at the time that this would be a sign that we can predict the future, because, evidently, the Underground has decided to host Beiber Night 2.0 this past Tuesday. Therefore, we are all seeing Gods. Here are some more predictions.
As incredible as it sounds, winter will end and bring about a warmer season called spring. This will coincide with, on March 20th, the day and night will be exactly 12 hours long. No more. No less.
Although this may be an abuse of our prophetic powers we predict that in a chance encounter while trying to evade obnoxiously aggressive papparazi, Emma Watson, will be charmed by me, Sam Codrington, with my dashing good looks and indisputable wit and we will date for four months. After an amicable breakup I will continue to run up Hollywood’s social circles culminating in a wild Hangover-esque night with Seth Rogen and both of the Franco brothers. We will part as blood brothers (sealed by matching seal tattoos) and I will retire from the wildest of parties and instead happily marry Rachel Bilson
Peace will finally be achieved in the Middle East as both Israel and Palestine will amicably decide to abandon the Gaza strip in order to invest in some promising looking timeshares in Florida.
Your band will take off with a musically revolutionary single. This will come at the cost of some of your dignity as you will have to personally fellate each of the top executives of Warner Bros. Music
Halley’s Comet will crash into the planet, decimating a continent. This will cause all the world’s astronomers to scratch their heads, peer at Mr. Halley’s initial work and slap themselves in the forehead as they realize he had forgotten to carry a decimal place back in 1701 and no one had corrected him since.
Your parents will discover tantric sex and passionately explore their bodies in a way that is both luridly filthy, erotically enticing and spiritually fulfilling. The smell of this encounter will never be wholly eliminated from your childhood bedroom.
Meek Mill and Drake will rekindle their professional friendship as their consecutive breakups with Taylor Swift inspire the greatest music the world has ever seen. Music Historians will later date every event by the year after their consecutive album release blew the lid off of the planet.
Your mom will achieve a 72 hour orgasm after she ditches your washed up dad and decides to kick it with a student comedy writer with manageable student debt.
The Trudeau political dynasty will come to a crashing end when it is finally revealed that Justin Trudeau has never ever smoked pot and only promised marijuana legislation to prove to his high school friends that he was cool now.
Following the 2016 U.S. presidential election, former president Barack Obama will release a tell-all mixtape highlighting all the dirty deals he’s been witness to in Washington. Think of Nas meets Noam Chomsky.
Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, will grace the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition, because WOMEN WILL FINALLY VALUED FOR THE MERIT OF THEIR THOUGHTS AND INTEGRITY OF THEIR WORDS. Calm down, calm down, soon…
Kim Jong-un becomes the victim of a technological privacy breach which reveals all his tasteful nudes to the international community. And honestly dude isn’t compensating for much, so we can only really blame his incessant control issues on an Oedipal complex at best.
Pixar releases a movie that only leaves you emotionally crippled for 3 days as opposed to the usual devastation that lasts a week.
EDM dies out only to be replaced by hardcore lo-fi Dutch reggae fusion medleys of barbershop quartets from pre-Depression era America as selected by Jaden Smith’s Twitter ghostwriter.