Guest Editorial: Dangers of a Phone Camera

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Gentlemen,
We, as a species, are nearly unstoppable. Humankind has gone on to achieve previously unimaginable feats from the creation of insulin to sending people into space. However, I argue science has gone too far in giving any schmuck with an iPhone the ability to instantly send someone a high resolution picture of their junk.
Sending a photo of your genitals to anyone (your love interests, your friends, your mom) is never a good idea under any circumstance. In my time, I find that many poor, disillusioned lads are led to believe that a picture of their dick holds the same weight as a naked picture of a girl. Alas, I regret to inform our readers that a picture of someone’s penis has the economic worth of a Zimbabwean dollar and the sentimental value of a pet sea-monkey. The hard truth is that nobody’s member is attractive and nobody is the exception. Well, maybe Idris Elba could the exception but that’s not the point because you certainly are not.
When people say “sex sells”, have you ever noticed that it’s just the female form they’re talking about? If the opposite were true and people were readily swayed by bulges, we would be commercially overwhelmed with dick. Penises would be used to sell everything from food to clothing to textbooks. When you think about it, Times Square in New York City would be a different place. And most importantly, the Carl’s Jr.’s advertisements would be an entirely different thing. I’ll leave you to think of meat sandwich puns for yourself.
Aside from the negligible commercial value of the male genitalia, nobody wants a picture of your junk. All effort trying to change the lighting, angle or filter of the photography is futile – nobody is interested. There are only so many words in the English language I am to use to articulate the sheer trauma of being the recipient of a dick pic. The emotional distress of opening that text with a mysterious attachment is a pain I wouldn’t wish upon even my greatest of enemy.
Please spare the poor soul of the person you’re trying to impress by keeping your phone in your pocket and your member in your pants. There are other ways to show someone they’re special while being on a modest budget. Whether it’s through interpretive dance or by the good ol’ tried and true method of stalking, there are less traumatizing ways to say you care.
Stay classy, San Diego Queen’s